Random reflections

Father, I'd like to move forward with a new, healthy body image. Help me stop comparing myself to others. Show me what to focus on rather than appearance...perhaps people's inherent worth and dignity as beings created in God's image, or a particular quality about them that is beautiful or striking. Please carve new habits into my body, mind, and spirit.

Often I long for the days when etiquette was considered important...when people treated each other with dignity. C.S. Lewis is from that time, and I am craving a good C.S. Lewis book now. He is one of the writers I most admire, who reminds me of how I ought to live.

So, I realized that longing to be thin relates to longing to be innocent. In fiction, innocent female characters tend to have a boyish shape rather than voluptuous curves -- not that I am voluptuous, ha! Naturally, I'm somewhere in between.

Anyway, a woman with a childlike, whimsical, cheerful personality would look ridiculous behaving that way if she had a mature, womanly shape; we tend to think of women with a body type like Jessica Rabbit or Lara Croft to be more serious and sultry than innocent.

Imagine this woman acting like a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Audrey Hepburn often played the type of character I am describing. We assume she was naturally petite, but then I found out that perhaps her figure wasn't so natural; several sources describe her as having an eating disorder of some sort. Remarkably thin women are usually trying to look that way on purpose.

Audrey Hepburn: This looks a bit painful.

Audrey's natural figure was probably more like this.

Is being thin really that desirable, though? A healthy weight is much more attractive...even for Audrey Hepburn. Women's bodies simply aren't designed to be skinny.

Why anorexia is demonic

Now I am able to sleep well again, in any position I like -- usually on my stomach -- without awakening in the night due to heart problems; the heart problems return if I exercise too vigorously.

18.5 is NOT a good BMI, because any stress could plummet me to the underweight danger zone. For me, a BMI of 18.5 is hardly functioning, like running on 1% battery. From now on I should stay well on the healthy side.

Satan plants seeds of doubt in attempt to undermine the Lord's work following an accomplishment...such as creation, the birth of Jesus, the forty day fast, and the resurrection. He is envious and competitive toward God. As God accomplishes great work in my life, Satan nags with doubt. "Has God said?" Why do we so quickly forget the miracles of the past?

The stronghold of anorexia is broken in my life. Anorexia is certainly a demon...speaking lies such as, "You're fat," "You will get fat if you don't strictly control portions," and "You are only pretty if you are very thin." A simple, insightful statement contributed to the cure -- that the agenda of high fashion is to sexualize children. A woman shouldn't have the weight and figure of a child.

The world's current beauty standard is losing appeal. Look at art from olden times, before the dumbing down of society. The women in the paintings are often quite plump, and they were considered beautiful.

The perverts who run the fashion industry promote underweight models because they are Satanists and pedophiles. They're attracted to gay men and little boys, not women...yet women keep the fashion industry in business...so, they have the models look as much like underage boys as possible.

Twiggy

 

 

 

This "ideal" is impossible to attain for most women, so we feel a sense of inferiority that buying a fashion product would supposedly alleviate.

That is the purpose of advertising...to convince people that they have a need for a particular product, even if that sense of lack never existed before exposure to the ad.

The "ideal" bodies often don't belong to real women at all, since many models these days are men in drag.

Chanel Transgender Model Teddy Quinlivan

If a woman is underweight, menstruation stops...so, attraction to starving women isn't even natural. Normal men are attracted to the feminine form regardless of this Satanic agenda. Social conditioning is not stronger than the natural instincts God created in people.

Freedom

I remember freedom...when food simply provided nourishment and enjoyment without a second thought, and I never considered food such a high priority. Food didn't dictate my daily routine...or occupy my thoughts much at all. Back then, I would even eat sweets during the day without guilt or fear of gaining weight.

God is leading me toward freedom again...though now I eat in a more disciplined way, and more mindfully. Fasting taught me to really appreciate food, and realize the ways that food heals and sustains life. However, I no longer fast in attempt to become more spiritual by my own effort.

Thank you for leading me out of bondage, Lord.

Transformation

Thank God anorexia is over in my life. God has brought healing and restoration to every aspect of my life that anorexia damaged. Now I follow the Great Physician's prescriptive diet by eating and exercising for health and enjoyment rather than as a means of weight control. Food is like medicine that keeps the body functioning.

Though I avoid chemical additives and gluten because they cause inflammation, my diet is not extremely strict. Basically, I eat three meals per day plus any offerings from others, and I will eat a snack if I become really hungry between meals. No longer do I restrict food, and I eat from a variety of food groups.

Since I have stopped fasting and have been eating enough, I notice changes in my body.

First, my hair is quickly growing, is no longer falling out, and looks shiny and healthy. Also, my bones feel less brittle. There's a healthy glow to my skin that replaces the wan, sallow color of my face before.

Parts of my body have filled out, such as my face, which has become softer and rounder, and my neck, which now looks stronger...and my trachea isn't so prominent anymore.

Also, my shoulders look less thin and bony, and my spine no longer shows through my skin. There's no more fine hair growing on my neck and face. Additionally, I've been less depressed and anxious, and able to sleep much better. Color has returned to my skin, and my heart rate has returned to normal. There's warmth in my nose, hands, and feet. However, my digestive system is still adjusting and hasn't yet regulated after consistently receiving and processing an insufficient amount of food.

Now I enjoy food again, rather than fearing it...though I'm not completely free of unhealthy thought patterns, and I'm not entirely pleased with every physical change I'm experiencing; yet I still choose health.