Thigh gaps were in style briefly, yet the "three diamond legs" standard used to be considered beautiful proportions.
According to science, "three diamond legs" are healthier, because women are designed to naturally have some fat in their legs.
In any case, these arbitrary beauty standards no longer concern me. Women with thin legs used to be called "chicken legs." Not that any leg shape is inferior, but I am just done worrying about such trivial cultural ideals. The Kardashians started the thigh gap trend, and why would I follow those whores of Babylon?
If one's legs are strong and able to go places, they are fine; why waste time hating their shape?
Choosing life
To fulfill God's purpose in my life, I must have a healthy body.
There's an electric pulse in my fingers now, and my skin has a healthy glow. Finally, my body temperature feels warm. Before, I operated in a dormant state of sorts; I longed for death and tried to exist just at the edge of eternity and the land of the living. God knows how isolated I am, friendless and abandoned by family. Lately I've become very withdrawn.
God knows I didn't comprehend the development of anorexia, and I'd never consciously choose that path. Yet now that I am aware...from now on, I am responsible to make the right choices every day. From now on, I no longer chase after the world's ever shifting definition of physical perfection.
An eating disorder is no way to live, and in fact leads to death. Instead of death, I choose life. Anorexia is of the devil, not of God -- death disguised as holiness.
There's an electric pulse in my fingers now, and my skin has a healthy glow. Finally, my body temperature feels warm. Before, I operated in a dormant state of sorts; I longed for death and tried to exist just at the edge of eternity and the land of the living. God knows how isolated I am, friendless and abandoned by family. Lately I've become very withdrawn.
God knows I didn't comprehend the development of anorexia, and I'd never consciously choose that path. Yet now that I am aware...from now on, I am responsible to make the right choices every day. From now on, I no longer chase after the world's ever shifting definition of physical perfection.
An eating disorder is no way to live, and in fact leads to death. Instead of death, I choose life. Anorexia is of the devil, not of God -- death disguised as holiness.
Restoration
As my body repairs, I don't choose the way I become; that is in God's hands.
As the spell is lifted...I wonder what I was thinking! Restricting what I ate so much makes no sense, in retrospect. A couple of rice cakes and yogurt for breakfast, a single small bowl of rice for lunch, small portions for dinner...with a tiny dessert and no snacks at all in between, plus hours of daily exercise...just strikes me as mental now, and I don't understand how this developed.
As my body transitions from famine mode to health, I still somehow feel more energetic and pure with an empty stomach.
A protective layer of water retention formed around my stomach and ribs, and I feel sore there as well as in my thighs and upper arms...the places where fat used to be. Perhaps my body is preparing to restore those areas. Like a tree sprouting after winter, I am returning to life.
As the spell is lifted...I wonder what I was thinking! Restricting what I ate so much makes no sense, in retrospect. A couple of rice cakes and yogurt for breakfast, a single small bowl of rice for lunch, small portions for dinner...with a tiny dessert and no snacks at all in between, plus hours of daily exercise...just strikes me as mental now, and I don't understand how this developed.
As my body transitions from famine mode to health, I still somehow feel more energetic and pure with an empty stomach.
A protective layer of water retention formed around my stomach and ribs, and I feel sore there as well as in my thighs and upper arms...the places where fat used to be. Perhaps my body is preparing to restore those areas. Like a tree sprouting after winter, I am returning to life.
Not my will, but Thine be done
Right now I feel weaker than ever before.
Now I have no more faith in the strength of my own will. Regardless of the tricks I try to play upon my body to achieve the desired result of thinness...such as packing small lunches, restricting portions, and drinking lots of coffee...the natural mechanisms that God created in the body always win in the end. The survival drive is strong.
Dieting, like so many aspects of modern society, isn't natural or healthy.
Intentional starvation is a sin just as grievous as gluttony, and causes as much harm; please, God, help me have the virtue of contentment.
Honestly, I am afraid. Giving full control to God is frightening. Yet I hope to have the peace that arises from relinquishing control and giving all aspects of my life to Him.
Now I have no more faith in the strength of my own will. Regardless of the tricks I try to play upon my body to achieve the desired result of thinness...such as packing small lunches, restricting portions, and drinking lots of coffee...the natural mechanisms that God created in the body always win in the end. The survival drive is strong.
Dieting, like so many aspects of modern society, isn't natural or healthy.
Intentional starvation is a sin just as grievous as gluttony, and causes as much harm; please, God, help me have the virtue of contentment.
Honestly, I am afraid. Giving full control to God is frightening. Yet I hope to have the peace that arises from relinquishing control and giving all aspects of my life to Him.
Shame is the root of all eating disorders
Deep down, I reject myself because I fall so short...and I feel as if I am never good enough...and this is painful. Denying and afflicting myself, harming myself, and punishing myself are reactions I've had to stress for a long time, ever since childhood, though I don't know why. Fasting could be another form of that tendency.
Negative thoughts fill my mind constantly.
Last night I felt so weak and sick from fasting, I could hardly move. Once when I was driving, I felt as if I could've passed out due to hypoglycemia, which caused panic...though I managed not to react. Fasting is not good for my body, and I've caused real harm. During the fast I started to experience blurry vision, and for awhile I lost the sense of taste.
This morning I woke up in a sweat; my blood sugar level must still be adjusting after the fast. Rather than feeling refreshed, I felt ill...and ashamed, because I am to blame for my own poor health. Will I always feel so out of sorts?
Ever since the fast I can't sleep right. At night I keep waking up with a start, then I wander around and eat. The hunger is erratic and seems to be insatiable. Yet there is no pleasure in eating...just desperation and fear. No one would see a problem from the outside. Inside, though, there is damage...and I feel so off, and I can't think straight.
Somehow I've equated starvation with beauty and virtue. Now I am ashamed...a failed anorexic because my body is overwhelmed by fasting, yet I keep making the same sinful choices. Restriction made me feel as if I am in control...but then my iron will melted, and now I feel very weak and so imperfect and human.
Maybe this strange madness is the new reality, maybe just a phase; regardless, the healing process takes time...and either way, I have chosen life.
Negative thoughts fill my mind constantly.
Last night I felt so weak and sick from fasting, I could hardly move. Once when I was driving, I felt as if I could've passed out due to hypoglycemia, which caused panic...though I managed not to react. Fasting is not good for my body, and I've caused real harm. During the fast I started to experience blurry vision, and for awhile I lost the sense of taste.
This morning I woke up in a sweat; my blood sugar level must still be adjusting after the fast. Rather than feeling refreshed, I felt ill...and ashamed, because I am to blame for my own poor health. Will I always feel so out of sorts?
Ever since the fast I can't sleep right. At night I keep waking up with a start, then I wander around and eat. The hunger is erratic and seems to be insatiable. Yet there is no pleasure in eating...just desperation and fear. No one would see a problem from the outside. Inside, though, there is damage...and I feel so off, and I can't think straight.
Somehow I've equated starvation with beauty and virtue. Now I am ashamed...a failed anorexic because my body is overwhelmed by fasting, yet I keep making the same sinful choices. Restriction made me feel as if I am in control...but then my iron will melted, and now I feel very weak and so imperfect and human.
Maybe this strange madness is the new reality, maybe just a phase; regardless, the healing process takes time...and either way, I have chosen life.
Those last five pounds don't really matter
Postmodern culture favors an extreme aesthetic. An object must stand out, even if the extreme appearance reduces function. Yet in nature, extremes aren't favored; normal is good.
Ending anorexia begins with a decision to stop battling with weight. The battle could continue forever, and I could waste my life wishing to lose those last five pounds -- vanity weight that no one else would even notice. No one noticed when I gained ten pounds, and I still fit into all of my clothes. With the ten pounds, I've also gained health.
Not only that, I've been able to think about more than food and weight; I'm so much better off physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Weight is about health, not fashion, and is partially determined by genetics...like height and hair color. To end anorexia, the body cannot be thought of as an enemy. True beauty arises from being who one really is.
Ending anorexia begins with a decision to stop battling with weight. The battle could continue forever, and I could waste my life wishing to lose those last five pounds -- vanity weight that no one else would even notice. No one noticed when I gained ten pounds, and I still fit into all of my clothes. With the ten pounds, I've also gained health.
Not only that, I've been able to think about more than food and weight; I'm so much better off physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Weight is about health, not fashion, and is partially determined by genetics...like height and hair color. To end anorexia, the body cannot be thought of as an enemy. True beauty arises from being who one really is.
Eve
When I look at paintings of Eve, why do I have tears in my eyes?
Am I tapping into a collective memory that reaches back to the beginning of time, when humanity was naked and unashamed?
Are they tears shed for the fallen world -- and tears of joy because God has given us redemption?
The root of this anorexia is quite deep. Being thin makes me look childlike rather than feminine...because I long to be innocent, and I'm afraid to grow up; I long to be small and taken care of, like a child. By not eating, perhaps I won't be naked and ashamed, and will reverse the first sin.
Heroin chic
Only a sick society would glamorize sickness.
Being on the brink of death isn't beautiful...and though I believed a lie that less food would make my mind sharper and clearer, the opposite is true; the brain and body work better with enough nutrition, of course.
Recovery will take awhile, and I wonder what I'll be like at the end; until then, I live each day with joy and hope as I make healthy choices.
Extreme asceticism is demonic
Often, Satan doesn't deceive through obvious evil. Rather, he twists the truth. Some asceticism is good, yet I have taken this spiritual discipline to an unhealthy and even demonic extreme.
Satan uses asceticism; the practice is found in many false religions. Perhaps he uses asceticism to weaken people and subsequently gain strongholds. The Pharisees fasted twice per week, yet didn't impress God....They turned ascetic rules into religion, which God never intended. Jesus warned about asceticism, and He wasn't an ascetic.
Eating started to seem sinful and indulgent, a weakness of the flesh. However, God created us to eat; that's how the body functions! He even created a wonderful variety of foods to enjoy -- and joy isn't a sin.
Food isn't an enemy; food is medicine.
Satan uses asceticism; the practice is found in many false religions. Perhaps he uses asceticism to weaken people and subsequently gain strongholds. The Pharisees fasted twice per week, yet didn't impress God....They turned ascetic rules into religion, which God never intended. Jesus warned about asceticism, and He wasn't an ascetic.
Eating started to seem sinful and indulgent, a weakness of the flesh. However, God created us to eat; that's how the body functions! He even created a wonderful variety of foods to enjoy -- and joy isn't a sin.
Food isn't an enemy; food is medicine.
Anorexia: the image of the shadow of death
Health is a flourishing condition and soundness of life. Health is beautiful, because a healthy state is being as one should be...because God creates health, not disease. Disease and death are of the enemy, unhealthy and unnatural.
Yet I made the mistake of perceiving death and darkness as beautiful, a certain melancholic aesthetic that motivated the longing to be fragile; indeed, I fell for a lie.
Being too thin reflects illness, the shadow of death; after losing my "little brother," I wanted to wear the shadow of death like a garment in his honor. Yet that makes no sense at all! He is alive, more than ever before; I even sensed his vibrant soul visit me once.
God's creations have charming idiosyncrasies because His thoughts aren't like the thoughts of men. Men's creations tend to be cookie cutter, lifeless and soulless, all the same. God formed every person with care...and none of us look alike. Since I am a creation of God, reflecting the image of the shadow of death is not who I really am.
Yet I made the mistake of perceiving death and darkness as beautiful, a certain melancholic aesthetic that motivated the longing to be fragile; indeed, I fell for a lie.
Being too thin reflects illness, the shadow of death; after losing my "little brother," I wanted to wear the shadow of death like a garment in his honor. Yet that makes no sense at all! He is alive, more than ever before; I even sensed his vibrant soul visit me once.
God's creations have charming idiosyncrasies because His thoughts aren't like the thoughts of men. Men's creations tend to be cookie cutter, lifeless and soulless, all the same. God formed every person with care...and none of us look alike. Since I am a creation of God, reflecting the image of the shadow of death is not who I really am.
Gaining perspective
Now my perception is off, and my body hardly recognizes signals of hunger or fullness. After neglecting these signals over time, they've gone "numb." Hunger made me feel "high," and the restless, almost desperate sensation felt "spiritual."
At the moment, I am so thin that my ribs are tender and my body aches when I lean against a chair.
A body is what it is...not an object to be altered according to vain whims.
The body is sacred, fearfully and wonderfully made, and should be treated as such. A natural and healthy body is beautiful....May I care more about the body's function than form.
At the moment, I am so thin that my ribs are tender and my body aches when I lean against a chair.
A body is what it is...not an object to be altered according to vain whims.
The body is sacred, fearfully and wonderfully made, and should be treated as such. A natural and healthy body is beautiful....May I care more about the body's function than form.
This culture glamorizes death and disease, yet the master artists of olden times painted slender, yet healthy and genuinely beautiful "nymphs." Slender doesn't have to mean anorexic, underweight, and unhealthy. Beauty is not a size or number, and weight naturally fluctuates....Beauty is a timeless quality.
Fasting from fasting
For awhile now, I have been harming my body by slow starvation...though I didn't exactly intend to. The Yom Kippur fast made me realize this is a serious problem. Being underweight, the fast caused great pain and even became dangerous.
Though the damage isn't seen outside, there is damage inside my body. This is a shame; I have sinned by causing harm to my body, the temple of God. Forgive me, Lord...and I pray for restoration.
When I look in the mirror, I see someone ill...and if I appear so gaunt physically, there must be mental and spiritual problems also. Right now I am afraid, and I need healing....During this fast, I thought I would die because my body just couldn't handle the malnourishment any longer.
Now I am fasting from fasting; if asceticism tempts me to vanity and harms my body, then eating in a normal way is actually more holy.
Though the damage isn't seen outside, there is damage inside my body. This is a shame; I have sinned by causing harm to my body, the temple of God. Forgive me, Lord...and I pray for restoration.
When I look in the mirror, I see someone ill...and if I appear so gaunt physically, there must be mental and spiritual problems also. Right now I am afraid, and I need healing....During this fast, I thought I would die because my body just couldn't handle the malnourishment any longer.
Now I am fasting from fasting; if asceticism tempts me to vanity and harms my body, then eating in a normal way is actually more holy.
A gradual development
Is anorexia an illness or a sin?
Though I have a subclinical case, I most certainly have the symptoms, and I relate to other anorexics. This would suggest an illness, with common symptoms. Yet sin patterns also have common symptoms...for example, alcoholics end up similar to each other.
There is an element of choice in anorexia, even rebellion against better judgement.
Why didn't I stop restricting after experiencing frightening physical symptoms such as waking up in the middle of the night in a hungry panic? Fear of weight gain, body checking...the problems developed so gradually that I didn't realize what was happening. So many factors contributed; the development seems almost inevitable.
Though I have a subclinical case, I most certainly have the symptoms, and I relate to other anorexics. This would suggest an illness, with common symptoms. Yet sin patterns also have common symptoms...for example, alcoholics end up similar to each other.
There is an element of choice in anorexia, even rebellion against better judgement.
Why didn't I stop restricting after experiencing frightening physical symptoms such as waking up in the middle of the night in a hungry panic? Fear of weight gain, body checking...the problems developed so gradually that I didn't realize what was happening. So many factors contributed; the development seems almost inevitable.
Decision
Well, I have a full blown eating disorder.
At least I'm able to admit that now.
The subtype is restrictive...so, anorexia, not bulimia or binge eating.
Without completely realizing, I've been restricting meals quite severely for over a year.
What happened?
The perfect storm brewed...the correct -- or rather, incorrect -- mix of genetics and generational curses, as both grandmothers struggled with eating disorders...and personality traits such as perfectionism, determination, and attention to detail.
The false belief that I lack "grit" led to this latest relapse -- but if I have enough perseverance to essentially starve for a year in pursuit of a goal, I don't really have a discipline problem; I may actually have more "grit" than good sense, or maybe I direct "grit" toward destructive goals....
There is also the influence of other anorexics I relate to, and grad school -- which often triggers eating disorders, apparently -- and the extreme stress of the past few years.
Also, I perceived fasting as a spiritual pursuit...the only way to achieve holiness, be of use in God's kingdom, and be a complete Christian. How could I not develop anorexia? The illness holds power over me, yet God is able to heal...and, like any illness, I can choose to nourish my body toward recovery.
That is the decision I face now.
Anorexia is stubborn; either I kill the illness, or the illness kills me.
Well, I choose recovery and life.
At least I'm able to admit that now.
The subtype is restrictive...so, anorexia, not bulimia or binge eating.
Without completely realizing, I've been restricting meals quite severely for over a year.
What happened?
* * *
The perfect storm brewed...the correct -- or rather, incorrect -- mix of genetics and generational curses, as both grandmothers struggled with eating disorders...and personality traits such as perfectionism, determination, and attention to detail.
The false belief that I lack "grit" led to this latest relapse -- but if I have enough perseverance to essentially starve for a year in pursuit of a goal, I don't really have a discipline problem; I may actually have more "grit" than good sense, or maybe I direct "grit" toward destructive goals....
There is also the influence of other anorexics I relate to, and grad school -- which often triggers eating disorders, apparently -- and the extreme stress of the past few years.
Also, I perceived fasting as a spiritual pursuit...the only way to achieve holiness, be of use in God's kingdom, and be a complete Christian. How could I not develop anorexia? The illness holds power over me, yet God is able to heal...and, like any illness, I can choose to nourish my body toward recovery.
That is the decision I face now.
Anorexia is stubborn; either I kill the illness, or the illness kills me.
Well, I choose recovery and life.
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