In quietness and confidence

Some people think emotional sensitivity is foolish and irrational, but I don't think so.

Shakespeare didn't think so, as Macbeth is about the self destruction brought about by suppressing one's emotional side and living according to pure reason...and Christ Himself showed strong emotions.

Yet I no longer allow emotions to rule my life. Though I am sensitive, I am not sentimental....Though I am a romantic idealist, I am not unrealistic.

Modern culture is wrong -- again. Qualities of quietness and meekness are positive, not signs of weakness. Allowing ourselves to feel our emotions helps us retain our humanity. Sensitivity is essentially honesty, the courage to be vulnerable.

Thoughts on winning and losing from a Christian perspective, in light of the election

Some people have everything, from a worldly perspective.

Certainly I don't have the most beautiful face or the best fashion sense; I don't win any "-est" contests. Who does, though? Who "wins"?

Perhaps the way to "win" is to be the best I can be in Christ. Father, teach me to be content with imperfection, rather than seeking "perfection" by works, which derives from pride...knowing that I am made perfect in Christ. Help me rest in that truth.

Comparing oneself to others isn't wise; there is always someone better, and always someone worse.

Create in me a thankful and content heart, instead of always striving for more; let me only strive toward God and His purpose. 

May I never sell out and become a walking advertisement, conformed to this world.

God loves diversity, end of story.

Just as there is a distinction between men and women according to God, there is a distinction between different ethnicities. That doesn't mean any are superior or inferior, of course. Yet the Bible makes a clear distinction between Jews and Gentiles, indicating that there are different roles for different ethnicities, as there are different roles for women and men.

Ethnicity, like gender, won't be wiped away in Heaven. On earth I am a Jewish woman, and in Heaven I shall still be a Jewish woman. In Heaven, however, these distinctions may matter much less to people than they do in the fallen world.

Like most Jewish people these days, I used to be an atheist. Ironically, faith doesn't come naturally to the people who brought the Bible to the world. Therefore, I could never thank God enough for His divine grace in helping me overcome the atheistic belief system.

However, preoccupation with race is actually an indication of deep seated racism. People who aren't racist don't think much about race. Nor do they expect special privileges because they happened to be born with certain genetics.

Newscum's proposal to pay reparations for slavery in California is ridiculous...first of all because there is no history of slavery in this state, and second because all races have traumatic baggage in their collective backgrounds. The Holocaust happened much more recently in history than slavery; there are still Holocaust survivors to this day. Where are the reparations to Jewish people? What about the Native Americans, the Mexicans, the Chinese immigrants who were exploited to build the railroads?

The point is there's no longer any blatant racial discrimination in the United States today, other than that which is fabricated and funded by people like George Soros.

The pace of progress

Perseverance in adversity is a biblical virtue...and is also a Jewish virtue in particular.

Through history the Jewish people have endured poverty, segregation, rejection, and genocide....

In these times, I think we ought to learn from this spirit of perseverance, which is related to the virtue of patience. In the digital age we're used to instant gratification. Yet anything worth our time takes time. The Kingdom of God is not about instant gratification.

In light of this, true success isn't achieved by selling one's soul to gain temporary wealth and fame, but is found in a quietly humble and righteous life constructed of good decisions made daily...seemingly insignificant decisions that eventually build a lasting legacy of value.

In nature, great formations take time to develop...such as oak trees. In quiet confidence they grow, enduring the seasons, until someday they're able to provide shade. They grow at God's pace, not the world's pace...and so should we.

The masks we wear (or don't)

Though I've never been popular, I'll never change my personality for the sake of being liked. Even Christ wasn't liked by everyone, even He was criticized...so what do I expect? Consider who is popular in this world....

The world has tried to change me since childhood; often I was made fun of for my offbeat personality. In adulthood I am still the odd one out. Adults aren't as cruel as children in their treatment of those who are different -- at least not in the same way -- but still, most people and I just don't relate.

To this day I wear no social mask, nor a physical one that is really just another social one...and I suppose I am in good company, for the world hated Him first.

The highest calling

Satan and his minions may have beauty and wisdom, yet they lack love, the greatest of all qualities.

May I seek love above all else...for if love is the very essence of God, then surely beauty and wisdom shall be added to one who pursues the highest of callings, which encompasses the lesser virtues.

From this moment onward, may I live a life of love by the Holy Spirit.

Spiritual Christianity > social Christianity

For a long time, Satan condemned me for my introverted personality and lack of social connections. Cultural Christianity (as opposed to genuine Christianity) seems to favor the social butterfly type. Introversion is seen as suspicious, a manifestation of selfishness.

However, I now believe that true fellowship is fellowship with God, regardless of how many friends one has. All I can do is be kind toward others, though that doesn't necessarily mean they will have a good opinion of me or want to be my friend. On the other hand, many social butterflies fill their schedules with events and shallow interactions, but none of their "friendships" have any depth...and they certainly don't take time to spend alone with God.

God is my best friend who will never reject me...and if loving God is enough, then I figure I am social enough.

Besides, many people choose their friendships based on superficial reasons. Beautiful women are common, yet beautiful character is rare....Sincerity of heart is also rare.

Christ was sincere. He wasn't a hypocrite, pretending to be who He wasn't....In fact, God hates hypocrisy.

However, many people claim to be Christians, but they are hypocrites because they don't sincerely love God. They just use His name to appear spiritual, or as a ticket to a social club. They are false Christians, and they are very common.

Satan envies God, because God is all that Satan is not; Satan also envies humanity because people have a chance at redemption that demons do not have. Just as an envious coworker will slander the object of his or her envy, Satan does the same to Christians. The Satanic attacks upon my mind regarding my looks, personality, mistakes, and whatever else will not stop on this side of eternity, but I can choose to ignore them from now on.

A preoccupation with fragility

Though I am objectively thin, I still never feel thin enough.

When I was ill, I looked gaunt and felt extremely unhealthy. Mercifully, God healed me. Too much fasting contributed to the illness, and food served as medicine; I quickly gained a few pounds.

Being underweight is unhealthy and even dangerous. Yet despite knowing this, I still find myself missing the frailty of illness. Forgive me for this vanity, God, and do away with this stronghold.

Is there a purpose in this struggle? Why do I long to be so thin and fragile? Will I ever accept the way I look?

Naturally, my figure is more athletic than skinny, more nymphlike than waifish.

Only God can help me accept the way I am designed. Lord, please help me be content, knowing that I am what I am by the grace of God. Only God can change my heart.

Asceticism versus abstinence

Changes are occurring, and priorities are shifting in my mind gradually, with such subtlety that I hardly sense the process...yet I find that I'm becoming more confident and less caught up in endless trivial details.

With so much happening in the world, I don't understand why people are so distracted with trivialities like sports. Most people seem to be spiritually asleep. Sometimes I am weary of life....God, please refresh my soul.

Nature, God's creation, never toils or strives anxiously. The times and seasons change gradually, in a way that is gentle and subtle. Fasting and other forms of asceticism aren't found in nature.

Overdone asceticism is a work of the flesh, a mistake I have made, and harmed my health as a result. The more genuine spiritual discipline is restraint, or abstinence. This is the way Jesus followed, and is therefore the way of life.

God's glory is revealed through suffering

At the turn of the 20th century my family immigrated to the United States to flee from escalating antisemitism in Eastern Europe, which culminated in the Holocaust during WWII.

Though my ancestors saw the writing on the wall and avoided the worst, others weren't as fortunate; my mom recalls visitors at her childhood house who had prisoner numbers on their arms.

Many wondered, "Where was God in Auschwitz?"

Yet while some became embittered atheists after witnessing the horrors of the 20th century, others kept their faith...such as concentration camp survivor Victor Frankl who wrote Man's Search for Meaning, in which he argues that a person's spirit may transcend even the darkest circumstances.

Sometimes I wonder why God didn't bring heaven to earth right after Satan's defeat at the cross. Why allow further suffering? But then I realize this is a shortsighted way of looking at the situation, limited by my human perspective.

If we are to be the Body of Christ for God's glory, to be His hands and feet...then we need to understand that the image of God isn't often found in the rich, famous, and "flawless," but in the weak, brokenhearted, rejected people of the world -- and we are assigned to bring God's love to such people. When Jesus returns He will have a glorified body, but He will also still have scars on His hands as a symbol of His character and divine love.

As for Holocaust victims who accepted Christ's sacrifice, I wonder if their resurrected bodies will still be marked with their prison numbers as a testament to the victory of life over death and good over evil.

The Babylon system is built upon lies

All of my days I've tried my best...and in return I reap pain, tears, and dust -- at least from a worldly perspective.

Yet when I read the Bible, I see that Jesus's first disciples experienced the same...because Satan owns this world system and is working against those who follow God and live righteously.

Though I don't have much to show for my efforts in terms of wealth, prestige, or fame...I sense spiritually that the work of sanctification is not in vain. Rather than being ahead in life as I expected after playing by the rules and trying so hard to "be good," I am behind. Why don't all of the correct steps established by society lead to victory?

The Babylon system is deceptive...rewarding wicked people and returning evil for good. There is so much deception in the world. Align my thoughts and perspective with truth, Lord.

Despite all of the chaos surrounding me, may I operate from the right hand of God, the secret place of the Most High.

Frailty

Frailty is a physical feature I find aesthetically fascinating...even if not exactly beautiful. Frailty is one of my strongest desires, for some reason...I guess because a slender body represents discipline, sensitivity, and the mind emphasized above the body. Frailty seems spiritual.

The irony is that by striving to achieve that body type, physical concerns take priority above spirituality. Maintaining a weight low enough to have a frail appearance requires considerable effort and planning, not to mention deceptive tricks....This takes time and energy away from more important aspects of life.

God answers sincere prayers

Today I'll post another old journal entry from my anorexic days. Though I wrote this not so very long ago, I am surprised by the difference in my mindset now compared to back then. Anorexics focus on the external; I tried to conform my body to some abstract ideal of beauty and discipline...and I judged people's inner characteristics by outward appearances. 

Confessing this now is a bit embarrassing...but growing up is awkward.

* * *

Lord, I don't mean to wear out Your patience...but You have given me instruction to cast my cares upon You.

Though I know everyone is unique, I can't help but notice there's always someone thinner and prettier...even though I also know that equating beauty with thinness is a fallacy.

Maintaining an underweight body is painful, difficult, unhealthy, and even dangerous.

One who eats isn't less spiritual than one who fasts, particularly one who fasts legalistically.

The virtue of contentment is to be at peace with one's lot in life, and thankful rather than always anxiously striving for "more." May I have that virtue, which is so rare in the postmodern age. God, I understand all of this intellectually....May this truth sink deep in my heart, and blossom in my life.

* * *

In retrospect, God answered that prayer.

Keeping an eternal perspective

So many mechanisms constantly interact within the body...such as blood sugar fluctuations and the binding of iron to red blood cells, the brain's interpretation of visual information and the rebuilding of muscle. The body is such a mysterious system, fearfully and wonderfully made. Now I see that clearly, and so I must respect and care for this wonderful creation.

Though I know God is near, and I hear His voice and see Him working...at times I still feel somewhat distant from Him. Why? Maybe like Sean mentioned, I ought to stop following current events so closely and pay more attention to the immediate present.

Also, I feel a bit depressed and lonely, especially with the lockdown and "social distancing" nonsense. Though I long for friends, they're difficult to come by....Friendship seems like a distant memory, since I've been alone for such a long time. Spiritually, I feel that "social distancing" began in people's hearts long before the 2020 mandate. Chatting around a campfire or dinner table with friends seems like a quaint relic from the past....Everyone is so busy with school, working, social media, and generally running from here to there.

For a long time I've felt closer to Heaven than this world, and I long to be there with God and my little brother. Yet I know the time isn't right...not yet. In any case, as I travel through life in this world, I will constantly be looking toward eternity.

History is repeating itself

Anxiety rules my mind at the moment...so I must pray. Will You hear and answer this convoluted prayer? Have mercy, Lord.

Hunger makes some people "hangry," but I become anxious and sad.

The Holocaust happened a relatively short time ago in history, yet society is repeating itself. The government is stripping our rights away little by little, one by one...forcing small businesses to close, requiring papers for permission to go about our daily lives, and now there's talk of unvaccinated children having to wear yellow arm bands. Does any of that sound familiar?

 

The Nazis targeted Jews and other minority groups...but in the Covidiocracy, anyone who thinks critically is a target.

All of these reminders of the Holocaust have led me to contemplate my Jewish ancestry from a biblical perspective. Ironically, being Jewish didn't matter much to me before I became a Christian. Yet the matter seems to be important to God, since the Bible constantly references God's covenant with the Jewish people. Though Jews aren't more important than Gentiles to God, they have a unique spiritual purpose to fulfill.

The Holocaust happened almost fifty years before I was born, yet as a Jew and as a human being, I still lament. Starvation is perhaps the most defining feature of Hitler's torture techniques....When we think of the Holocaust, we think of the emaciated prisoners.

Images of Holocaust victims bring to mind ascetic yogis...but what is the difference between starvation as torture and as a spiritual practice?

When I was anorexic, I would fast as a form of punishment...such as when I sinned and felt disappointed in myself. Yet a spiritual fast is never supposed to be a punishment. According to the Bible, fasting is about breaking free from the chains of bondage...quite the opposite of treating oneself like a tortured prisoner.

Therefore, I believe the best way to respond to the Holocaust, particularly as a Jewish person myself, is not to practice excessive fasting, but to be free...to live an abundant, delightfully human life.

The Holocaust weighs heavily upon me now, and is too much...especially knowing that the world may soon experience another one that is even worse. Therefore, God, I pray that You would take this burden that I am not strong enough to carry, and was never meant to carry. After all, I am just a young woman...and even grown men cannot bear staring straight at the horrors of the Holocaust.

The evil of the world is too much...yet God is good, and He has never led me astray. Lately I feel lonely, though, far from God. The stress is intense, and I sense demonic oppression. Thinking about the Holocaust, I suppose, directs the mind toward the demonic domain.

We are all just people, with a flawed and sinful nature. Yet God makes sinners...saints. The spiritual journey is individualized; our experiences and sufferings are unique. A saint is a temple of the Holy Spirit, not to be mistreated through excessive asceticism; I must live the life I have been given.

May the truth prevail

Now that I eat sufficiently, shine has returned to my hair. Along with my hair, I see improvement in my skin. Rather than sallow and dry, my skin is now fresh and glowing.

Apparently, the source of the guillotine rumor is Pam Schuffert. Other blogs have described her as a Satanist pretending to be a Christian. Her father was a cartoonist for the military, and she allegedly has multiple personality disorder from mind control torture techniques...a common problem in Satanic families. She has been caught lying about other topics, so should we trust she's telling the truth about this?

Not that I'd be surprised if that's what the ruling powers have in store for us. In the Tribulation there will indeed be martyrs. Yet that may happen specifically in Judea after the rise of the Antichrist. By then this place -- Mystery Babylon -- may not even exist as a nation anymore.

There was a rumor awhile ago that Walmarts were closing to be converted to death camps. Many stores closed abruptly, supposedly for plumbing repairs....Some have been remodeled and are open again. One abandoned Walmart was being used as an immigrant detention center for children, so there was some truth to the rumor.

Thankfully, there are still some critical thinkers who question official narratives. Thanks to those who proved the school shootings were hoaxes, we still have our Second Amendment rights. May all of these evil schemes backfire.

God, every time a member of the Satanic cabal starts a fire in California (as they've been doing almost daily this summer), I pray that the truth spreads like wildfire to wake people up from their media induced slumber. Please convert 5G towers to announce the covert plans of the wicked rather than sending out harmful radiation and demonic signals. Grant people around the world wisdom and discernment to see straight through all the lies.

God, please rekindle the American spirit of liberty. Rain justice upon the head of every wicked Satanic criminal. Thank You that more and more people wake up to reality after every media deception. May they stay awake.

Please stop the censorship as well, God. May every lie invented by the forces of evil backfire spectacularly. Continue leading, guiding, and helping your people in Jesus's name.

God is humanity's best friend

The fat I used to fear so much is welcome on my frame now. Ever since gaining weight, I feel more healthy, wholesome, human...and I am even enjoying the way I look. Thank You for this quiet revolution, Father.

Never again shall I long for a languishing frame. Thank God for restoration....If not for His grace, I may have died by my own foolish hand. A certain number on the scale simply isn't worth one's life.

Meanwhile, the world is so dark, becoming more evil day by day. Are the rumors of FEMA concentration camps and guillotines true? Though I'd die for God if that is His will, I confess I am very disturbed by the thought of Satan's schemes against God's people.

Hopefully the rapture is real, though saints have been martyred all through time. If I must have such a fate, please grant me courage. Please also awaken more and more people around the world to the truth.

God, I love You, and I know You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life. You have been so patient with me, and have helped me through every trial. You are my best friend, Lord. Thank You for your fellowship.

God's healing love

In troubled times I tend to forget that God is in control, that He will provide as He always has. In the middle of 2020, I am in an entirely different state of mind than a couple of years ago when I started recovering from anorexia. Then I dealt with a personal crisis, and now I am dealing with a worldwide crisis.

An entry I wrote on Valentine's Day at the start of my recovery reminds me of God's personalized provision. He helped me then, and He will continue to help me (and all of us) now. Here is the entry:

As I write in the backyard, I hear the familiar call of a mourning dove. This bird represents God's Spirit, anointing, and calling. Earlier as I walked to the library, I looked up to see a beautiful mourning dove perched upon a wire, looking down at me...and I felt God watching over me as well.

No rain fell yesterday. However, early this morning I awakened and stepped outside into the gently falling rain, an answer to my prayers. God awakened me at just the right time, because the rain stopped soon afterward.

On the way home after the library, I looked up to see a cloud in the shape of a heart. Thank You, God....You really love me. Finally, at the top of a hill, I looked up to see a cross...the highest symbol of love.

Happy "Valentine's Lent" indeed -- this Lent, I'm participating in an unusual fast to break the influence and bondage of Leviathan, a demonic spirit that has infiltrated my life.

Last Sunday, because of Lent, the pastor preached about fasting. He advised people to skip meals and control their portions. He mentioned fasting "tricks" that I know well.

As he spoke, dark memories of the struggle with anorexia stirred in my heart, and I remembered the constant hunger, the fear, the grief, the shame of that long trial I by no means want to return to.

As we closed our eyes, bowed our heads, and prayed, I couldn't hold back honest tears, and I remembered another time that happened...in seventh grade, after the class watched a movie about alcohol addiction in the family. No one in the church knew, nor could they help, nor would they understand if I tried to explain. Yet as the church recited prayers of fluff, God caught the tears that fell from my eyes, and I felt His loving presence.

Anorexia is not my identity. Looking at photos from that time, I now see the extent of my illness, how hard I tried to be someone I am not. As long as I could see a thin face in the mirror...though never thin enough...I didn't care if my body stopped working. Thank God I am now free.

Anorexia recovery is more like growing up than healing from an illness

Some people's entire existence is a lie. By trying to become superhuman, flawless, and angelic, they end up less than human. These are narcissists I'm thinking of...and we mere peons dare not question their motives or see through the facade.

Yet God tells us to test the spirits. We must, lest these pied pipers lead us to Hell with their mind control. Sometimes evil appears so good.

God's will isn't for people to be superhuman. Demons may help people perform illusory wonders and appear to be superhuman. Yet Jesus Himself constantly pointed toward the Father as the source of His power and goodness.

Therefore, I am content to be human...fully human, even all too human. God is the only hero. May I never pretend to be more than I am.

Sometimes I wind up at a crossroad, and I must make a decision. The decision is difficult because sacrifice is involved. Yet I follow God's will....

The choice I face now is to remain a perpetual child, or grow up and "put away childish things."

Childhood is a fun time of no responsibility....The imagination is free to run wild. Children are dependent, taken care of by others.

In contrast, adulthood is often dreary and difficult. Life becomes about taking care of others. In the past, people had no choice; growing up physically meant growing up mentally and spiritually. These days, people may choose whether to grow up or not -- in the mental and spiritual sense -- and many never do.

Yet I choose maturity, adulthood...to grow up, be responsible, leave childhood behind; life has now become about serving God and people.

Rather than simply being the rather modest creature God created me to be, I could devote my energy toward trying to stand out, show off my uniqueness to the world, and become an ideal fantasy version of myself. Life could be a competition of who is the most special of all, as I try with all of my might to become this superhuman. Yet becoming more than I am is impossible, and therefore must be obtained via deception...and I am not willing to live a lie.

Instead of trying to be who I am not, or even trying to be the best version of who I am...or who I think I want to be...I leave competition behind and choose simple contentment instead. Instead of extraordinariness, I choose ordinariness. Instead of my will, I choose God's will.

God's grace is enough, since no one else helped me with anorexia

In my experience, sermons at traditional churches can sometimes be more harmful than helpful.

For example, I found this journal entry I wrote a couple of years ago when I was first recovering from anorexia:

Today I visited church again. Lent, which I'm not participating in -- at least not in the traditional way -- starts this week, so the sermon was about fasting. The pastor told everyone to have self-control by giving up food for a day, or at least a meal. He planted subtle seeds of shame for enjoying food, disliking hunger, and eating three meals per day.

The words struck my heart right in the place of a recently healed wound that is still tender. The pastor instructed us to be anorexic....He taught rules I know well. As we prayed, I couldn't hold back tears prompted by dark memories of losing my little brother, frightening sickness, the concentration camp of graduate school...the long, grueling, colorless year of bondage with no one to talk to, no one to help or understand except God.

No one saw the tears, and I could tell no one, because no one would understand.

Yet as everyone's heads were obediently bowed and their eyes closed, oblivious to the pain searing the hearts of their Christian brothers and sisters around them -- not even wanting to know -- God caught the tears, and I sensed His presence...not because of, but in spite of where I was.

* * *

Sadly, church seems to be a social club of sorts for most people, rather than a place to really care for one another. Not once during my struggle with anorexia did I feel secure enough to share my struggle with anyone at church. Instead, I felt pressure to act cheerful and pretend I had no troubles at all.

One may argue that is my own problem, or a problem with that particular church...but I have been to many churches, and most of them are like that. Therefore I worked through anorexia in silence, with only God to help me. Of course God is enough, as He cured me...though the fact that I always felt compelled to hide my troubles rather than reveal them to fellow Christians indicates a serious flaw in postmodern "Christian culture."

Be transformed by the renewing of your mind

Sometimes I still "feel fat," which is an anorexic thought.

The thought habits are subtle. If I look at my thigh and see fat, I think, "Oh no, I'm becoming fat. Maybe I sit still too much, so I'll eat a very small meal." Sometimes I still body check.

Such seemingly little thoughts and behaviors make the anorexia return gradually. Knowing the thoughts are not true isn't enough, because they feel so true. The illusion is strong. Yet I must not act upon the lies by skipping meals or reducing portions. God, don't let me return to that awful mental prison.

A major aspect of overcoming anorexia involved rejecting society's notion of the thin ideal, and also not wanting to be like other anorexics. Anorexics are sneaky, proud, and self centered. Some are narcissists. As I saw those qualities in other anorexics, I wanted no part in their sick, destructive, competitive reality. Anorexia isn't in line with who I am in Christ.

Entertaining even just the "good bits" of evil influence allows mental infection to spread. Would I eat just the good bits of rotten fruit? No, I'd be so repulsed by the rotten part that I'd throw the entire fruit away. God, please purge absolutely all evil influence from my life. Please renew my mind.

The hypocrisy of anorexia

If not for God's grace, I would still be anorexic. Thankfully, He released me from the grip of that horrible curse. Now I've given up striving to conform my body to a certain image...which is vanity and a gradual death based upon the lie that somehow, starvation makes one beautiful and spiritual.

Jesus warns, "Beware the leaven of the Pharisees..." that is, the influence of their teachings. The Pharisees are synonymous with hypocrites, and the influence of hypocrisy is corruption. Anorexia is a hypocrisy of sorts. God didn't design the body to function in a constant state of emaciation. The underweight me isn't the real me.

Lord, please change my aesthetic sense so that I no longer perceive beauty in the unnatural state of starvation.

A healthy, lean body is elegant and genuinely beautiful, unlike the freakishness of anorexia. God designed my body not for excess fatness or thinness, but for healthy, beautiful balance. Therefore, today I pray for a change of heart. God's plans and designs are higher than mine, and I am tired of striving in vain for my own way. Since my heart is so untrustworthy, I give my plans and all I am to God.

Today, I pray to be content with my physical form at last, and I thank God for creating this healthy, functional, unique body to house my spirit and the Holy Spirit.

Reawakening

Lack of adequate nutrition causes the brain to function at a more basic level. Now that I eat enough, food isn't so interesting. Suddenly I feel an overwhelming surge of mental energy. The power is almost palpable, like the current in an electric generator. The ability to think about ideas again instead of just food is so exciting, I have trouble falling asleep at night. Now my mind has a voracious appetite...an extreme hunger to read everything in the vicinity and then, after devouring that, still be unsatisfied.

Holistic recovery

As I eat a regular diet, thoughts of food go to the wayside, as ought to happen if I am to do any work in God's kingdom beyond keeping my body just above the threshold of death.

After the basic requirement of nourishment is met, the mind is free to ponder higher matters, and the body is strong enough to carry out the calling.

Weight and measurements are of less concern now, as they ought to be; now I understand that reaching a particular number doesn't make someone beautiful.

* * *

God has been so merciful. Actually, I don't look much different than the way I looked with anorexia. Coworkers didn't even notice the change. Even my mother who sees me every day hardly noticed, other than commenting that I look healthier and happier.

The weight gain I feared so much ended up being nothing more than a subtle physical improvement.

Mentally I am a thousand times better off, and spiritually ten thousand times. Isn't that worth twelve pounds? God is so merciful that I don't have any serious health problems as a result of malnutrition.

He doesn't even blame the condition completely upon my sinful nature. Sin may have allowed access to the demon, but several causes contributed to the condition: generational curses, lack of support, the stress of grad school and the loss of loved ones. During all of that, Satan repeatedly told me I am not good enough....

Full circle

After all that painful striving for the "perfect" weight and measurements, my body quickly reverted to the same set point as before this mess started. The eating disorder is gone, and maintaining "perfect" weight and measurements doesn't seem important anymore. At a new level, I see that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

That doesn't mean I fit society's arbitrary standard of fashion and "beauty." There is beauty in variety. Mankind tries to make the world symmetrical, cut and dry...removing identity by making everyone identical.

In just a month, my body grew back. Essentially I went through another puberty, and I have a new body....The muscles are still a bit weak, like a newborn faun's.

This body, though similar to the pre-anorexic one, is also a bit different. Like visiting an old friend I haven't seen in over a year, there are familiar characteristics I recognize, yet there are also changes. The weight is distributed differently, and my mind is different as well; innocence is returning in place of the cold, strict disciplinarian...though my will is stronger than ever. A person must have quite a strong will to purposely starve for more than a year, I suppose...though at least I have enough sense to know when I've gone too far.

An experience like this changes a person. The shadow of that year of starvation is within my features now. There must be some purpose for this trial.

Learning to love my natural body

So far I love my new body, even if I feel like I'm going through puberty again. Now I look more proportional and my face looks better, though I look a bit different than I would have if I never developed anorexia. As I develop a protective layer of fat, my body has become like a heater, keeping me warm. Fat is no longer frightening, and I don't care about Babylon's ideals anymore. The body doesn't care either, and is not meant to conform to an arbitrary and usually cruel "ideal."

Foot Binding: Another Cruel Beauty "Ideal"

Avoiding the negative is also a strong motivation. Anorexics necessarily must have a certain amount of pride, selfishness, and coldness. In their fantasy world, the laws of physics don't apply to them, as they try to be like gods by means of the flesh.

The key to sanctification

Now that I am out of school and essentially under house arrest due to the lockdown, I have plenty of spare time to read...not dull material for school, but whatever I want for fun!

Recently I've been finding good deals on used books online and building my personal library. In particular I've been rediscovering books that made a strong impression upon me during childhood...such as Lilith, essays by George Orwell, and even manga...though I've been discovering some new favorites as well. After finishing a book, I carefully decide if I'd like to keep it or not, since I live in a small home and have limited space on my shelves. Sometimes these decisions aren't easy.

As I considered which books to keep, the question arose in my mind: what if I could only choose one book to read for the rest of my life?

Well, that's easy -- the Bible, of course.

The Bible is the Word of God, pure and absolutely true, the best book in the world by far. The Bible contains the answers to every question one may have in life. Reading the Bible also fundamentally changes a person, transforming one's values from carnal to spiritual, if one reads with an open mind and receptive heart.

The Bible is the key instrument in the process of sanctification.

Consider the lilies

From time to time I still struggle with weight issues. There's a thin layer of fat on my body now that people probably wouldn't even notice in comparison to my anorexic body, and the fat has very important functions such as providing insulation, hormone regulation, and protection of my organs...yet I'm not used to the fat being there, and I'm afraid of becoming fat for real. The feeling of discomfort in my own skin never really went away.

This "illness" is based upon fear and the attempt to gain control. Not knowing the weight my body will settle at makes me anxious because I'm not in control. God is in control, because He created my body and knows what my ideal weight set point ought to be.

Despite the discomfort, anorexia is not an option for me anymore. There's no way I'm returning to that mess, because I have chosen the way of life. Perhaps the world thinks emaciation is beautiful, but the world is controlled by Satanic homosexual pedophiles. God's definition of beauty is different...natural and pure, as witnessed in creation. The lilies neither toil nor spin, yet they are beautiful....

Matter follows mind

Though I haven't been anorexic for more than a year, I still keep this blog to post my old journal entries from the time of my recovery...as a record that might be helpful to other recovering anorexics, and as a testimony of God's power to heal emotional strongholds such as eating disorders.

In this old entry I found, I see that though I still needed time to recover physically, I was much better off mentally...and though anorexia certainly has a physical component, the stronghold is primarily in the mind. Once the mind heals, the body will follow. An eating disorder begins and ends with a choice.

* * *

Eating a normal amount still feels like a huge feast. There's still painful edema after I eat, and I still wake up at night to eat more. Obviously I'm not completely healed, since I'm so tired all the time and eating shouldn't cause all of these strange reactions. When that no longer happens, I'll know I am recovered.

As a child I went through puberty early, and I remember "feeling fat" in the thighs, which never changed as I grew older, though no one commented about my thighs being fat...because they must not appear that way to others. How different do we appear through another person's eyes? What flaws and beautiful features do we overlook in ourselves that appear so obvious to others?

As I've discovered the hard way, being underweight causes many scary health problems that are worse than health problems caused by being overweight. Now I know there's really no good reason to envy the underweight. To Hell with society's ideals -- the solution is to be safely on the healthy side of the BMI.

So far I've been going forward with recovery, without restriction, even if that means I have to be overweight for the rest of my life...and now that I'm aware of the damage I've caused my body, I have a responsibility to recover.

Ending the hunger strike

Even now I still struggle with anorexic thoughts, with acceptance of imperfection, and I resist the fact that I may have to accept a larger body than I'd like.

Recovery from an eating disorder is a process that involves the mind, perhaps even more so than the body. Acceptance...and relinquishing a sense of control...is difficult. Lord, please help me trust that You are in control. Please grant me the wisdom of acceptance...the virtue of contentment...and the realization that there is no need to compare myself with others.

Fear never wins in my life. Though I used to fear driving...I drive all over the place now. Though I feared letting go of "control," I am no longer anorexic. How the anorexia developed in the first place still puzzles me, though I suspect part of the reason is fear of not being taken seriously if I have a feminine form. In this culture, a woman's "sexy curves" distract from her other qualities -- such as her mind and personality -- and she is automatically perceived as a bimbo.

Sexuality distracts from women's more profound qualities; anorexia takes away the curves and therefore the distraction.

Yet anorexia is actually slavery -- the exact opposite of control.

The true nature of anorexia

Honestly, anorexia is a sin, and I knew better.

After I lost weight unintentionally due to grief, I then tried with all of my strength and willpower to stay at that low weight, because...finally, I had become thin, and I always wanted to be thin.

An eating disorder developed...perhaps partially as a coping method, but mostly because I coveted a slender body.

For a woman, low weight is a status symbol...because most women, including myself, aren't naturally thin -- though everyone wants to be because the models and actresses are -- so I equated slenderness with discipline and holiness.

In other words, I wanted a skinny body so much that I harmed my health by sticking to a restricted diet for a long time to control my BMI. The problem is I always felt hungry, never satisfied, never enough. Life revolved around food because I didn't eat enough.

Now I suppose I have to eat more and gain weight and be healthy...and be who I am, not who I wish I could be.

The spiritual component of physical ailments

Great Physician, what should the recovery prescription plan be for this new affliction I am struggling with? There seems to be truth to the 5G conspiracy theory, because if I enter areas with recently constructed towers I start to have heart palpitations and other troublesome symptoms. The heart issues started with anorexia, and now are reactivated in certain situations, such as if I drink too much caffeine, hike in the heat...or now if I am near a large 5G cell tower.

Like anorexia, I believe the ailment of electrosensitivity is physical, mental, and spiritual. The physical symptoms are obvious, yet I also think a constant state of anxiety contributes to immune system dysfunction and inflammation that apparently coincide with electrosensitivity. Spiritually, I suspect 5G is demonic technology that will serve as the foundation of AI and the beast system.

Anorexia seemed like a demon that attempted to steal my identity, and electrosensitivity also seems like a demonic force that is attempting to imprison humanity by restricting our movement. Now I must be very careful about where I travel because I never know if I'll be zapped, or if the Gestapo of the Fourth Reich will threaten me because I'm not wearing a mask or carrying papers. Indeed, I sense similar oppression in this COVID-19 situation as I did during anorexia, indicating that demonic forces are behind both scenarios.

Anorexia, I imagine, looks similar to depictions of Leviathan -- a long, crooked, emaciated serpent with a pointed beak and a black, empty throat out of which a thin tongue hisses instructions: "That's the right amount. You'll gain weight if you eat more." "Snacks are for children, not disciplined adults." "You messed up and ate too much today."

The demands are endless. The demon is somewhat feminine and has a high pitched voice, yet is male like all demons are -- as far as I know. He is cold and harsh and has no sense of humor. He has a twisted grin and pretends to be my friend.

The secrets of beauty and success aren't in starving, though. The opposite is true, because starvation eventually causes death...and death is not beautiful. Death is ugly and frightening.

The melancholic emptiness of asceticism captivated my imagination. Like bare trees in winter, there is beauty in the simplicity of negative space. Even now, I have trouble rejecting that aesthetic entirely.

The demonic realm constantly conspires against God's people, yet I still fight valiantly for life....Father, please establish my identity and chase the demons away. Please grant Your children the freedom to be who we are meant to be.

In the past year or so I've been eating well, resting, and responding to the way my body feels rather than ignoring warning signals. This change occurred after I read the testimony of another Christian woman with anorexia. Her compassionate brother listened as she expressed her pain, and understood that she was trying so hard to be perfect...and I remember sobbing pitiful, imperfectly human tears as I resonated with her story.

Fragmented Soul

Between the pale university walls,
all of a sudden my heart recalls
a childhood world beyond the mundanity,
the anxious toil, and the vanity....

A prayer against evil

Though I have been a Christian for several years now, I've never quite felt at home in most churches -- especially megachurches -- and I have attended almost one hundred of them, of all different denominations. Dr. Bruce Charlton gave a name to the type of Christianity that resonates with me: Romantic Christianity, which is quite different from mainstream Christianity. People who are part of mainstream Christian culture are usually decent enough, and they mean well, yet they are generally lacking in discernment between good and evil.

In my observation, the naivete of Christian culture has rendered the church incompetent...not just in a sociopolitical sense, but the majority of churches I've visited seem to be spiritually lackluster as well. Materialism might be part of the reason...the focus on attracting more and more members with fancy buildings, catchy music, and so on. In that sense, the church is indistinguishable from secular corporations.

Yet even before I became a Christian, I felt as if I gradually became an outcast of sorts once text messaging and social media became part of everyday interaction. In school I noticed people starting to avoid eye contact and texting instead of talking to each other...and I thought that behavior was idiotic, so I didn't participate. Now "smart" technology has reached its peak and blossomed into a poisonous entity that produces the fruits of narcissism, all pervasive surveillance, and endless distraction from reality.

The world is so corrupt. As I write, the government is busy censoring the truth about the plandemic: labeling evidence of a covert operation to install weaponized 5G everywhere as fake news, removing social media posts that expose the truth (as usual), and arresting people who do not comply with our rights being taken away one by one. The virtual war against truth has been going on for quite some time, and now has extended beyond the Internet and into real life.

Lord, don't let the truth be hidden! Please awaken people and bring evil to justice. Bring Satan's children swiftly to Sheol. Father, don't let their tactics work any longer.

At the moment, there's almost a sense of false peace as everyone is hiding away in quarantine. Yet I have a feeling this won't last long. What is going to happen to this country and the world?

God, please don't let those psychopaths abolish the First and Second Amendments. May we have the courage to die before our rights are taken away. Shine the light of God upon the cockroaches behind this psyop, and may everyone see them scatter away.

The wicked use their God given intelligence to plot against the innocent -- what a waste of a mind! Yet God is aware of their schemes. God is the ultimate intelligence, the Creator of the world, the great mastermind -- not Satan, though he tries to be.

The arrogant and perishing are absolutely convinced that they're so smart, and everyone else is too stupid to see through their lies. However, a great percentage of the population instantly saw through this great deception. Let there be a great awakening, God, and may the world witness the victory of good over evil.

God is in control

The battle still wages in my mind. Though I don't have an extreme eating disorder like the skeletal stereotype portrayed on television, the thought patterns are similar, even if I don't look like I'll drop dead any moment. Apparently, both of my grandmothers and my uncle struggled with eating disorders -- anorexia on my mom's side and bulimia on my dad's side.

Could there be a genetic component? Anorexia is the last disorder I'd ever imagine having, and I actually used to look down upon people with the disorder as vain and stupid. That contributed to the deep sense of shame I felt about my thoughts and behavior.

When will the recovery time be over? In recovery, I feel out of control as my weight fluctuates, my blood sugar leaps and plummets, and a voracious appetite makes me want to eat all the food in sight. Strangely, at the time of this writing, the entire world is wondering when we shall recover from this mass psyop and have a sense of control over our own lives again.

For an entire year I haven't eaten enough, so I suppose my body is in repair. God has created the body with such wonderful healing capability. He is really the One in control, after all....

After I eat a large meal, I have edema around my stomach and thighs. The pain isn't as bad now as after the first day of refeeding, when my body felt so sore I didn't want to move...though I didn't have a choice, since I was literally moving that weekend. Now the swelling has reduced, and the blood sugar swings are less dramatic. Every night I've been waking up to eat...with my dog, who looks forward to those excursions now...and I still experience panic after a few hours of not eating. The severity is lessening, though, and at least my experience with anorexia gives me good practice in case of a real famine.

The other day, after moving the last heavy object out of the old apartment, I almost fainted and could not walk for awhile. Hopefully, soon all of the scary symptoms will subside...and I hope I become healthy again, as if I never had anorexia. Until then, I dislike being in limbo...the recovery process...because I want a solution now, direct answers, a system to follow. All I know is I can't return to the way I lived before...and in some strange sense, I think recovering from anorexia is similar to the world recovering from this latest psyop.

God's will

Grandfather passed away, as we expected....Thankfully, he felt no pain and was apparently very peaceful during the process, according to my aunt; he even snored contentedly while in a coma. We've postponed visiting family, since this happened just as medical martial law shut down the world.

God's timing is perfect. Grandfather has been spared forced quarantines and the establishment of the New World Order. We've received confirmations that he is in Heaven...dreams and other signs. Though he didn't openly talk about his beliefs, he wasn't completely close minded toward Christianity...and one never knows what is in another person's heart.

Recently I've been contemplating the phrase in 1 John 2:16, "the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life." Satan tempted Jesus with all three by offering Him power over all earthly kingdoms, telling Him to jump from a high place and have the angels rescue Him, and cajoling Him to create bread by His own power without relying upon the providence of God the Father. Satan's offer may seem almost kind superficially, yet a true act of kindness would be to simply give bread to Jesus without asking Him to violate God's will.

Satan is subtle, and his temptations align with the philosophy of "do what thou wilt," self will, rather than following God's will. Yet Jesus chose humility. The real issue of Satan's temptation isn't physical bread, but the pride of life.

Saying "no" to death and "yes" to life

Just a week after receiving the news about Professor Doom's passing, my grandfather had a massive stroke and heart attack simultaneously. Apparently that is very rare....He is in a coma now, with little chance of recovery. No one in the family expected this, since he had been in very good health until now. Though of course I hope for a miraculous healing, I trust God's will in this situation....

True repentance is an absolute change of direction, not a return to anorexic thoughts and habits. May I have the wisdom to accept my natural weight set point and be content. Though I can't change my genetics, I have the power to break anorexia's grip....Simply say "no" to death, and "yes" to life.

Anorexia is an identity theft, and is not who I really am.

RIP Professor Doom

Today I received the news of Professor Doom's passing after a long battle with cancer, and I am heartbroken. He kept the blog Confessions of a College Professor. Though I came across his articles years ago as a grad student trying to figure out why the higher education system messed with my mind so much, just recently I found his blog again...and I regret that I never thanked him for his insights before this happened.

Still stuck in the system as an adjunct and plotting my escape, I found his blog informative and refreshing -- a dose of common sense that is so rare in this insane world.

Prof. Doom also wrote a book about the higher ed mess that I haven't read yet, though is definitely on my list: Why Johnny Can't Read, Write, or Do 'Rithmetic Even with a College Degree.

His blog still stands as a testament to his brilliance, shedding light upon the inner workings of the education-industrial complex and the implosion of the school system.

You will be missed, Professor Doom.

Ballerinas and anorexia

The ballerina is often an anorexic trigger symbol...a symbol of perfection achieved by rigid discipline and even masochism, as if beauty may only be found in pain and suffering.

Modern Balanchine ballerinas must conform their bodies to an unnatural standard.

Yet the ballerinas of the past...such as the ones painted by Degas...had more natural, romantic looking figures.

Anorexia: a self-inflicted illness

There are people who are afflicted with medical problems unfairly; perhaps they were born with a condition. Then there are those who make poor choices that lead to medical problems, even when blessed with good health. Forgive me, Lord, for ending up with these medical problems as a natural consequence of my sin.

Though I pray for health, I know I don't deserve Your favor...especially because there are true victims who need healing. Even so, they aren't always healed, though they did nothing to deserve the condition that they have. They deserve healing, and I do not.

If I end up with a permanent medical problem, or even if I reduce my own lifespan, I must accept the consequences of my sinful actions. Still, I selfishly pray for complete healing, as well as the healing of others who are true victims of illness. After all, You are a God of healing; I'm not sure what I've done to my body, and I am afraid. Yet I kneel before You in repentance and pray for the restoration of my health.

If there is any good to come of this...I've become a gourmet cook of sorts, a surprising result of anorexia.

Grad school as a trigger for anorexia

In grad school, my physical and mental health started to deteriorate. Grad school is an abusive environment...being confined to a chair, reading and writing such difficult and irrelevant material, and being undermined by narcissistic professors despite hours of hard work. As I became enslaved to that sick, Satanic system, I became depressed and warped in my thinking...and without realizing, I began to commit slow suicide through starvation.

Depression in grad school...and slowly losing my mind as busywork took every moment of my time...is by no means a unique experience, and is a form of mind control. Grad school seems to be designed to gradually crush one's soul, intellect, and creativity until the person is conformed to the corporate system that Satan pulls the strings of. After graduation, the person's inherent diligence and talent are further exploited, spent contributing toward the system.

Life in such a society is a daily spiritual battle, a struggle against losing one's soul and allowing oneself to be changed and rearranged by the vampiric Babylon system.

Dreaming again

Last night I awoke with a rapid heart rate, maybe due to eating a large amount of sodium. Every time I restrict, I end up with frightening consequences. May that be the last time I cause such a reaction.

Eating naturally feels good. Having insufficient nourishment is stressful. Eating enough gives me a sense of health, contentment, and joy...different from the false and frantic high of fasting.

Last night I even dreamed. For awhile I haven't dreamed, and haven't woken up with that refreshed feeling. Maybe my brain, deprived of nutrients, could no longer produce dreams.

Random reflections

Father, I'd like to move forward with a new, healthy body image. Help me stop comparing myself to others. Show me what to focus on rather than appearance...perhaps people's inherent worth and dignity as beings created in God's image, or a particular quality about them that is beautiful or striking. Please carve new habits into my body, mind, and spirit.

Often I long for the days when etiquette was considered important...when people treated each other with dignity. C.S. Lewis is from that time, and I am craving a good C.S. Lewis book now. He is one of the writers I most admire, who reminds me of how I ought to live.

So, I realized that longing to be thin relates to longing to be innocent. In fiction, innocent female characters tend to have a boyish shape rather than voluptuous curves -- not that I am voluptuous, ha! Naturally, I'm somewhere in between.

Anyway, a woman with a childlike, whimsical, cheerful personality would look ridiculous behaving that way if she had a mature, womanly shape; we tend to think of women with a body type like Jessica Rabbit or Lara Croft to be more serious and sultry than innocent.

Imagine this woman acting like a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Audrey Hepburn often played the type of character I am describing. We assume she was naturally petite, but then I found out that perhaps her figure wasn't so natural; several sources describe her as having an eating disorder of some sort. Remarkably thin women are usually trying to look that way on purpose.

Audrey Hepburn: This looks a bit painful.

Audrey's natural figure was probably more like this.

Is being thin really that desirable, though? A healthy weight is much more attractive...even for Audrey Hepburn. Women's bodies simply aren't designed to be skinny.

Why anorexia is demonic

Now I am able to sleep well again, in any position I like -- usually on my stomach -- without awakening in the night due to heart problems; the heart problems return if I exercise too vigorously.

18.5 is NOT a good BMI, because any stress could plummet me to the underweight danger zone. For me, a BMI of 18.5 is hardly functioning, like running on 1% battery. From now on I should stay well on the healthy side.

Satan plants seeds of doubt in attempt to undermine the Lord's work following an accomplishment...such as creation, the birth of Jesus, the forty day fast, and the resurrection. He is envious and competitive toward God. As God accomplishes great work in my life, Satan nags with doubt. "Has God said?" Why do we so quickly forget the miracles of the past?

The stronghold of anorexia is broken in my life. Anorexia is certainly a demon...speaking lies such as, "You're fat," "You will get fat if you don't strictly control portions," and "You are only pretty if you are very thin." A simple, insightful statement contributed to the cure -- that the agenda of high fashion is to sexualize children. A woman shouldn't have the weight and figure of a child.

The world's current beauty standard is losing appeal. Look at art from olden times, before the dumbing down of society. The women in the paintings are often quite plump, and they were considered beautiful.

The perverts who run the fashion industry promote underweight models because they are Satanists and pedophiles. They're attracted to gay men and little boys, not women...yet women keep the fashion industry in business...so, they have the models look as much like underage boys as possible.

Twiggy

 

 

 

This "ideal" is impossible to attain for most women, so we feel a sense of inferiority that buying a fashion product would supposedly alleviate.

That is the purpose of advertising...to convince people that they have a need for a particular product, even if that sense of lack never existed before exposure to the ad.

The "ideal" bodies often don't belong to real women at all, since many models these days are men in drag.

Chanel Transgender Model Teddy Quinlivan

If a woman is underweight, menstruation stops...so, attraction to starving women isn't even natural. Normal men are attracted to the feminine form regardless of this Satanic agenda. Social conditioning is not stronger than the natural instincts God created in people.

Freedom

I remember freedom...when food simply provided nourishment and enjoyment without a second thought, and I never considered food such a high priority. Food didn't dictate my daily routine...or occupy my thoughts much at all. Back then, I would even eat sweets during the day without guilt or fear of gaining weight.

God is leading me toward freedom again...though now I eat in a more disciplined way, and more mindfully. Fasting taught me to really appreciate food, and realize the ways that food heals and sustains life. However, I no longer fast in attempt to become more spiritual by my own effort.

Thank you for leading me out of bondage, Lord.

Transformation

Thank God anorexia is over in my life. God has brought healing and restoration to every aspect of my life that anorexia damaged. Now I follow the Great Physician's prescriptive diet by eating and exercising for health and enjoyment rather than as a means of weight control. Food is like medicine that keeps the body functioning.

Though I avoid chemical additives and gluten because they cause inflammation, my diet is not extremely strict. Basically, I eat three meals per day plus any offerings from others, and I will eat a snack if I become really hungry between meals. No longer do I restrict food, and I eat from a variety of food groups.

Since I have stopped fasting and have been eating enough, I notice changes in my body.

First, my hair is quickly growing, is no longer falling out, and looks shiny and healthy. Also, my bones feel less brittle. There's a healthy glow to my skin that replaces the wan, sallow color of my face before.

Parts of my body have filled out, such as my face, which has become softer and rounder, and my neck, which now looks stronger...and my trachea isn't so prominent anymore.

Also, my shoulders look less thin and bony, and my spine no longer shows through my skin. There's no more fine hair growing on my neck and face. Additionally, I've been less depressed and anxious, and able to sleep much better. Color has returned to my skin, and my heart rate has returned to normal. There's warmth in my nose, hands, and feet. However, my digestive system is still adjusting and hasn't yet regulated after consistently receiving and processing an insufficient amount of food.

Now I enjoy food again, rather than fearing it...though I'm not completely free of unhealthy thought patterns, and I'm not entirely pleased with every physical change I'm experiencing; yet I still choose health.