Be transformed by the renewing of your mind

Sometimes I still "feel fat," which is an anorexic thought.

The thought habits are subtle. If I look at my thigh and see fat, I think, "Oh no, I'm becoming fat. Maybe I sit still too much, so I'll eat a very small meal." Sometimes I still body check.

Such seemingly little thoughts and behaviors make the anorexia return gradually. Knowing the thoughts are not true isn't enough, because they feel so true. The illusion is strong. Yet I must not act upon the lies by skipping meals or reducing portions. God, don't let me return to that awful mental prison.

A major aspect of overcoming anorexia involved rejecting society's notion of the thin ideal, and also not wanting to be like other anorexics. Anorexics are sneaky, proud, and self centered. Some are narcissists. As I saw those qualities in other anorexics, I wanted no part in their sick, destructive, competitive reality. Anorexia isn't in line with who I am in Christ.

Entertaining even just the "good bits" of evil influence allows mental infection to spread. Would I eat just the good bits of rotten fruit? No, I'd be so repulsed by the rotten part that I'd throw the entire fruit away. God, please purge absolutely all evil influence from my life. Please renew my mind.

The hypocrisy of anorexia

If not for God's grace, I would still be anorexic. Thankfully, He released me from the grip of that horrible curse. Now I've given up striving to conform my body to a certain image...which is vanity and a gradual death based upon the lie that somehow, starvation makes one beautiful and spiritual.

Jesus warns, "Beware the leaven of the Pharisees..." that is, the influence of their teachings. The Pharisees are synonymous with hypocrites, and the influence of hypocrisy is corruption. Anorexia is a hypocrisy of sorts. God didn't design the body to function in a constant state of emaciation. The underweight me isn't the real me.

Lord, please change my aesthetic sense so that I no longer perceive beauty in the unnatural state of starvation.

A healthy, lean body is elegant and genuinely beautiful, unlike the freakishness of anorexia. God designed my body not for excess fatness or thinness, but for healthy, beautiful balance. Therefore, today I pray for a change of heart. God's plans and designs are higher than mine, and I am tired of striving in vain for my own way. Since my heart is so untrustworthy, I give my plans and all I am to God.

Today, I pray to be content with my physical form at last, and I thank God for creating this healthy, functional, unique body to house my spirit and the Holy Spirit.

Reawakening

Lack of adequate nutrition causes the brain to function at a more basic level. Now that I eat enough, food isn't so interesting. Suddenly I feel an overwhelming surge of mental energy. The power is almost palpable, like the current in an electric generator. The ability to think about ideas again instead of just food is so exciting, I have trouble falling asleep at night. Now my mind has a voracious appetite...an extreme hunger to read everything in the vicinity and then, after devouring that, still be unsatisfied.

Holistic recovery

As I eat a regular diet, thoughts of food go to the wayside, as ought to happen if I am to do any work in God's kingdom beyond keeping my body just above the threshold of death.

After the basic requirement of nourishment is met, the mind is free to ponder higher matters, and the body is strong enough to carry out the calling.

Weight and measurements are of less concern now, as they ought to be; now I understand that reaching a particular number doesn't make someone beautiful.

* * *

God has been so merciful. Actually, I don't look much different than the way I looked with anorexia. Coworkers didn't even notice the change. Even my mother who sees me every day hardly noticed, other than commenting that I look healthier and happier.

The weight gain I feared so much ended up being nothing more than a subtle physical improvement.

Mentally I am a thousand times better off, and spiritually ten thousand times. Isn't that worth twelve pounds? God is so merciful that I don't have any serious health problems as a result of malnutrition.

He doesn't even blame the condition completely upon my sinful nature. Sin may have allowed access to the demon, but several causes contributed to the condition: generational curses, lack of support, the stress of grad school and the loss of loved ones. During all of that, Satan repeatedly told me I am not good enough....

Full circle

After all that painful striving for the "perfect" weight and measurements, my body quickly reverted to the same set point as before this mess started. The eating disorder is gone, and maintaining "perfect" weight and measurements doesn't seem important anymore. At a new level, I see that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

That doesn't mean I fit society's arbitrary standard of fashion and "beauty." There is beauty in variety. Mankind tries to make the world symmetrical, cut and dry...removing identity by making everyone identical.

In just a month, my body grew back. Essentially I went through another puberty, and I have a new body....The muscles are still a bit weak, like a newborn faun's.

This body, though similar to the pre-anorexic one, is also a bit different. Like visiting an old friend I haven't seen in over a year, there are familiar characteristics I recognize, yet there are also changes. The weight is distributed differently, and my mind is different as well; innocence is returning in place of the cold, strict disciplinarian...though my will is stronger than ever. A person must have quite a strong will to purposely starve for more than a year, I suppose...though at least I have enough sense to know when I've gone too far.

An experience like this changes a person. The shadow of that year of starvation is within my features now. There must be some purpose for this trial.