A preoccupation with fragility

Though I am objectively thin, I still never feel thin enough.

When I was ill, I looked gaunt and felt extremely unhealthy. Mercifully, God healed me. Too much fasting contributed to the illness, and food served as medicine; I quickly gained a few pounds.

Being underweight is unhealthy and even dangerous. Yet despite knowing this, I still find myself missing the frailty of illness. Forgive me for this vanity, God, and do away with this stronghold.

Is there a purpose in this struggle? Why do I long to be so thin and fragile? Will I ever accept the way I look?

Naturally, my figure is more athletic than skinny, more nymphlike than waifish.

Only God can help me accept the way I am designed. Lord, please help me be content, knowing that I am what I am by the grace of God. Only God can change my heart.

Asceticism versus abstinence

Changes are occurring, and priorities are shifting in my mind gradually, with such subtlety that I hardly sense the process...yet I find that I'm becoming more confident and less caught up in endless trivial details.

With so much happening in the world, I don't understand why people are so distracted with trivialities like sports. Most people seem to be spiritually asleep. Sometimes I am weary of life....God, please refresh my soul.

Nature, God's creation, never toils or strives anxiously. The times and seasons change gradually, in a way that is gentle and subtle. Fasting and other forms of asceticism aren't found in nature.

Overdone asceticism is a work of the flesh, a mistake I have made, and harmed my health as a result. The more genuine spiritual discipline is restraint, or abstinence. This is the way Jesus followed, and is therefore the way of life.

God's glory is revealed through suffering

At the turn of the 20th century my family immigrated to the United States to flee from escalating antisemitism in Eastern Europe, which culminated in the Holocaust during WWII.

Though my ancestors saw the writing on the wall and avoided the worst, others weren't as fortunate; my mom recalls visitors at her childhood house who had prisoner numbers on their arms.

Many wondered, "Where was God in Auschwitz?"

Yet while some became embittered atheists after witnessing the horrors of the 20th century, others kept their faith...such as concentration camp survivor Victor Frankl who wrote Man's Search for Meaning, in which he argues that a person's spirit may transcend even the darkest circumstances.

Sometimes I wonder why God didn't bring heaven to earth right after Satan's defeat at the cross. Why allow further suffering? But then I realize this is a shortsighted way of looking at the situation, limited by my human perspective.

If we are to be the Body of Christ for God's glory, to be His hands and feet...then we need to understand that the image of God isn't often found in the rich, famous, and "flawless," but in the weak, brokenhearted, rejected people of the world -- and we are assigned to bring God's love to such people. When Jesus returns He will have a glorified body, but He will also still have scars on His hands as a symbol of His character and divine love.

As for Holocaust victims who accepted Christ's sacrifice, I wonder if their resurrected bodies will still be marked with their prison numbers as a testament to the victory of life over death and good over evil.

The Babylon system is built upon lies

All of my days I've tried my best...and in return I reap pain, tears, and dust -- at least from a worldly perspective.

Yet when I read the Bible, I see that Jesus's first disciples experienced the same...because Satan owns this world system and is working against those who follow God and live righteously.

Though I don't have much to show for my efforts in terms of wealth, prestige, or fame...I sense spiritually that the work of sanctification is not in vain. Rather than being ahead in life as I expected after playing by the rules and trying so hard to "be good," I am behind. Why don't all of the correct steps established by society lead to victory?

The Babylon system is deceptive...rewarding wicked people and returning evil for good. There is so much deception in the world. Align my thoughts and perspective with truth, Lord.

Despite all of the chaos surrounding me, may I operate from the right hand of God, the secret place of the Most High.

Frailty

Frailty is a physical feature I find aesthetically fascinating...even if not exactly beautiful. Frailty is one of my strongest desires, for some reason...I guess because a slender body represents discipline, sensitivity, and the mind emphasized above the body. Frailty seems spiritual.

The irony is that by striving to achieve that body type, physical concerns take priority above spirituality. Maintaining a weight low enough to have a frail appearance requires considerable effort and planning, not to mention deceptive tricks....This takes time and energy away from more important aspects of life.