Learning to love my natural body

So far I love my new body, even if I feel like I'm going through puberty again. Now I look more proportional and my face looks better, though I look a bit different than I would have if I never developed anorexia. As I develop a protective layer of fat, my body has become like a heater, keeping me warm. Fat is no longer frightening, and I don't care about Babylon's ideals anymore. The body doesn't care either, and is not meant to conform to an arbitrary and usually cruel "ideal."

Foot Binding: Another Cruel Beauty "Ideal"

Avoiding the negative is also a strong motivation. Anorexics necessarily must have a certain amount of pride, selfishness, and coldness. In their fantasy world, the laws of physics don't apply to them, as they try to be like gods by means of the flesh.

The key to sanctification

Now that I am out of school and essentially under house arrest due to the lockdown, I have plenty of spare time to read...not dull material for school, but whatever I want for fun!

Recently I've been finding good deals on used books online and building my personal library. In particular I've been rediscovering books that made a strong impression upon me during childhood...such as Lilith, essays by George Orwell, and even manga...though I've been discovering some new favorites as well. After finishing a book, I carefully decide if I'd like to keep it or not, since I live in a small home and have limited space on my shelves. Sometimes these decisions aren't easy.

As I considered which books to keep, the question arose in my mind: what if I could only choose one book to read for the rest of my life?

Well, that's easy -- the Bible, of course.

The Bible is the Word of God, pure and absolutely true, the best book in the world by far. The Bible contains the answers to every question one may have in life. Reading the Bible also fundamentally changes a person, transforming one's values from carnal to spiritual, if one reads with an open mind and receptive heart.

The Bible is the key instrument in the process of sanctification.

Consider the lilies

From time to time I still struggle with weight issues. There's a thin layer of fat on my body now that people probably wouldn't even notice in comparison to my anorexic body, and the fat has very important functions such as providing insulation, hormone regulation, and protection of my organs...yet I'm not used to the fat being there, and I'm afraid of becoming fat for real. The feeling of discomfort in my own skin never really went away.

This "illness" is based upon fear and the attempt to gain control. Not knowing the weight my body will settle at makes me anxious because I'm not in control. God is in control, because He created my body and knows what my ideal weight set point ought to be.

Despite the discomfort, anorexia is not an option for me anymore. There's no way I'm returning to that mess, because I have chosen the way of life. Perhaps the world thinks emaciation is beautiful, but the world is controlled by Satanic homosexual pedophiles. God's definition of beauty is different...natural and pure, as witnessed in creation. The lilies neither toil nor spin, yet they are beautiful....

Matter follows mind

Though I haven't been anorexic for more than a year, I still keep this blog to post my old journal entries from the time of my recovery...as a record that might be helpful to other recovering anorexics, and as a testimony of God's power to heal emotional strongholds such as eating disorders.

In this old entry I found, I see that though I still needed time to recover physically, I was much better off mentally...and though anorexia certainly has a physical component, the stronghold is primarily in the mind. Once the mind heals, the body will follow. An eating disorder begins and ends with a choice.

* * *

Eating a normal amount still feels like a huge feast. There's still painful edema after I eat, and I still wake up at night to eat more. Obviously I'm not completely healed, since I'm so tired all the time and eating shouldn't cause all of these strange reactions. When that no longer happens, I'll know I am recovered.

As a child I went through puberty early, and I remember "feeling fat" in the thighs, which never changed as I grew older, though no one commented about my thighs being fat...because they must not appear that way to others. How different do we appear through another person's eyes? What flaws and beautiful features do we overlook in ourselves that appear so obvious to others?

As I've discovered the hard way, being underweight causes many scary health problems that are worse than health problems caused by being overweight. Now I know there's really no good reason to envy the underweight. To Hell with society's ideals -- the solution is to be safely on the healthy side of the BMI.

So far I've been going forward with recovery, without restriction, even if that means I have to be overweight for the rest of my life...and now that I'm aware of the damage I've caused my body, I have a responsibility to recover.