Even now I still struggle with anorexic thoughts, with acceptance of imperfection, and I resist the fact that I may have to accept a larger body than I'd like.
Recovery from an eating disorder is a process that involves the mind, perhaps even more so than the body. Acceptance...and relinquishing a sense of control...is difficult. Lord, please help me trust that You are in control. Please grant me the wisdom of acceptance...the virtue of contentment...and the realization that there is no need to compare myself with others.
Fear never wins in my life. Though I used to fear driving...I drive all over the place now. Though I feared letting go of "control," I am no longer anorexic. How the anorexia developed in the first place still puzzles me, though I suspect part of the reason is fear of not being taken seriously if I have a feminine form. In this culture, a woman's "sexy curves" distract from her other qualities -- such as her mind and personality -- and she is automatically perceived as a bimbo.
Sexuality distracts from women's more profound qualities; anorexia takes away the curves and therefore the distraction.
Yet anorexia is actually slavery -- the exact opposite of control.
The true nature of anorexia
Honestly, anorexia is a sin, and I knew better.
After I lost weight unintentionally due to grief, I then tried with all of my strength and willpower to stay at that low weight, because...finally, I had become thin, and I always wanted to be thin.
An eating disorder developed...perhaps partially as a coping method, but mostly because I coveted a slender body.
For a woman, low weight is a status symbol...because most women, including myself, aren't naturally thin -- though everyone wants to be because the models and actresses are -- so I equated slenderness with discipline and holiness.
In other words, I wanted a skinny body so much that I harmed my health by sticking to a restricted diet for a long time to control my BMI. The problem is I always felt hungry, never satisfied, never enough. Life revolved around food because I didn't eat enough.
Now I suppose I have to eat more and gain weight and be healthy...and be who I am, not who I wish I could be.
After I lost weight unintentionally due to grief, I then tried with all of my strength and willpower to stay at that low weight, because...finally, I had become thin, and I always wanted to be thin.
An eating disorder developed...perhaps partially as a coping method, but mostly because I coveted a slender body.
For a woman, low weight is a status symbol...because most women, including myself, aren't naturally thin -- though everyone wants to be because the models and actresses are -- so I equated slenderness with discipline and holiness.
In other words, I wanted a skinny body so much that I harmed my health by sticking to a restricted diet for a long time to control my BMI. The problem is I always felt hungry, never satisfied, never enough. Life revolved around food because I didn't eat enough.
Now I suppose I have to eat more and gain weight and be healthy...and be who I am, not who I wish I could be.
The spiritual component of physical ailments
Great Physician, what should the recovery prescription plan be for this new affliction I am struggling with? There seems to be truth to the 5G conspiracy theory, because if I enter areas with recently constructed towers I start to have heart palpitations and other troublesome symptoms. The heart issues started with anorexia, and now are reactivated in certain situations, such as if I drink too much caffeine, hike in the heat...or now if I am near a large 5G cell tower.
Like anorexia, I believe the ailment of electrosensitivity is physical, mental, and spiritual. The physical symptoms are obvious, yet I also think a constant state of anxiety contributes to immune system dysfunction and inflammation that apparently coincide with electrosensitivity. Spiritually, I suspect 5G is demonic technology that will serve as the foundation of AI and the beast system.
Anorexia seemed like a demon that attempted to steal my identity, and electrosensitivity also seems like a demonic force that is attempting to imprison humanity by restricting our movement. Now I must be very careful about where I travel because I never know if I'll be zapped, or if the Gestapo of the Fourth Reich will threaten me because I'm not wearing a mask or carrying papers. Indeed, I sense similar oppression in this COVID-19 situation as I did during anorexia, indicating that demonic forces are behind both scenarios.
Anorexia, I imagine, looks similar to depictions of Leviathan -- a long, crooked, emaciated serpent with a pointed beak and a black, empty throat out of which a thin tongue hisses instructions: "That's the right amount. You'll gain weight if you eat more." "Snacks are for children, not disciplined adults." "You messed up and ate too much today."
The demands are endless. The demon is somewhat feminine and has a high pitched voice, yet is male like all demons are -- as far as I know. He is cold and harsh and has no sense of humor. He has a twisted grin and pretends to be my friend.
The secrets of beauty and success aren't in starving, though. The opposite is true, because starvation eventually causes death...and death is not beautiful. Death is ugly and frightening.
The melancholic emptiness of asceticism captivated my imagination. Like bare trees in winter, there is beauty in the simplicity of negative space. Even now, I have trouble rejecting that aesthetic entirely.
The demonic realm constantly conspires against God's people, yet I still fight valiantly for life....Father, please establish my identity and chase the demons away. Please grant Your children the freedom to be who we are meant to be.
In the past year or so I've been eating well, resting, and responding to the way my body feels rather than ignoring warning signals. This change occurred after I read the testimony of another Christian woman with anorexia. Her compassionate brother listened as she expressed her pain, and understood that she was trying so hard to be perfect...and I remember sobbing pitiful, imperfectly human tears as I resonated with her story.
Like anorexia, I believe the ailment of electrosensitivity is physical, mental, and spiritual. The physical symptoms are obvious, yet I also think a constant state of anxiety contributes to immune system dysfunction and inflammation that apparently coincide with electrosensitivity. Spiritually, I suspect 5G is demonic technology that will serve as the foundation of AI and the beast system.
Anorexia seemed like a demon that attempted to steal my identity, and electrosensitivity also seems like a demonic force that is attempting to imprison humanity by restricting our movement. Now I must be very careful about where I travel because I never know if I'll be zapped, or if the Gestapo of the Fourth Reich will threaten me because I'm not wearing a mask or carrying papers. Indeed, I sense similar oppression in this COVID-19 situation as I did during anorexia, indicating that demonic forces are behind both scenarios.
Anorexia, I imagine, looks similar to depictions of Leviathan -- a long, crooked, emaciated serpent with a pointed beak and a black, empty throat out of which a thin tongue hisses instructions: "That's the right amount. You'll gain weight if you eat more." "Snacks are for children, not disciplined adults." "You messed up and ate too much today."
The secrets of beauty and success aren't in starving, though. The opposite is true, because starvation eventually causes death...and death is not beautiful. Death is ugly and frightening.
The melancholic emptiness of asceticism captivated my imagination. Like bare trees in winter, there is beauty in the simplicity of negative space. Even now, I have trouble rejecting that aesthetic entirely.
The demonic realm constantly conspires against God's people, yet I still fight valiantly for life....Father, please establish my identity and chase the demons away. Please grant Your children the freedom to be who we are meant to be.
In the past year or so I've been eating well, resting, and responding to the way my body feels rather than ignoring warning signals. This change occurred after I read the testimony of another Christian woman with anorexia. Her compassionate brother listened as she expressed her pain, and understood that she was trying so hard to be perfect...and I remember sobbing pitiful, imperfectly human tears as I resonated with her story.
Fragmented Soul
Between the pale university walls,
all of a sudden my heart recalls
a childhood world beyond the mundanity,
the anxious toil, and the vanity....
all of a sudden my heart recalls
a childhood world beyond the mundanity,
the anxious toil, and the vanity....
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