As my body repairs, I don't choose the way I become; that is in God's hands.
As the spell is lifted...I wonder what I was thinking! Restricting what I ate so much makes no sense, in retrospect. A couple of rice cakes and yogurt for breakfast, a single small bowl of rice for lunch, small portions for dinner...with a tiny dessert and no snacks at all in between, plus hours of daily exercise...just strikes me as mental now, and I don't understand how this developed.
As my body transitions from famine mode to health, I still somehow feel more energetic and pure with an empty stomach.
A protective layer of water retention formed around my stomach and ribs, and I feel sore there as well as in my thighs and upper arms...the places where fat used to be. Perhaps my body is preparing to restore those areas. Like a tree sprouting after winter, I am returning to life.
Not my will, but Thine be done
Right now I feel weaker than ever before.
Now I have no more faith in the strength of my own will. Regardless of the tricks I try to play upon my body to achieve the desired result of thinness...such as packing small lunches, restricting portions, and drinking lots of coffee...the natural mechanisms that God created in the body always win in the end. The survival drive is strong.
Dieting, like so many aspects of modern society, isn't natural or healthy.
Intentional starvation is a sin just as grievous as gluttony, and causes as much harm; please, God, help me have the virtue of contentment.
Honestly, I am afraid. Giving full control to God is frightening. Yet I hope to have the peace that arises from relinquishing control and giving all aspects of my life to Him.
Now I have no more faith in the strength of my own will. Regardless of the tricks I try to play upon my body to achieve the desired result of thinness...such as packing small lunches, restricting portions, and drinking lots of coffee...the natural mechanisms that God created in the body always win in the end. The survival drive is strong.
Dieting, like so many aspects of modern society, isn't natural or healthy.
Intentional starvation is a sin just as grievous as gluttony, and causes as much harm; please, God, help me have the virtue of contentment.
Honestly, I am afraid. Giving full control to God is frightening. Yet I hope to have the peace that arises from relinquishing control and giving all aspects of my life to Him.
Shame is the root of all eating disorders
Deep down, I reject myself because I fall so short...and I feel as if I am never good enough...and this is painful. Denying and afflicting myself, harming myself, and punishing myself are reactions I've had to stress for a long time, ever since childhood, though I don't know why. Fasting could be another form of that tendency.
Negative thoughts fill my mind constantly.
Last night I felt so weak and sick from fasting, I could hardly move. Once when I was driving, I felt as if I could've passed out due to hypoglycemia, which caused panic...though I managed not to react. Fasting is not good for my body, and I've caused real harm. During the fast I started to experience blurry vision, and for awhile I lost the sense of taste.
This morning I woke up in a sweat; my blood sugar level must still be adjusting after the fast. Rather than feeling refreshed, I felt ill...and ashamed, because I am to blame for my own poor health. Will I always feel so out of sorts?
Ever since the fast I can't sleep right. At night I keep waking up with a start, then I wander around and eat. The hunger is erratic and seems to be insatiable. Yet there is no pleasure in eating...just desperation and fear. No one would see a problem from the outside. Inside, though, there is damage...and I feel so off, and I can't think straight.
Somehow I've equated starvation with beauty and virtue. Now I am ashamed...a failed anorexic because my body is overwhelmed by fasting, yet I keep making the same sinful choices. Restriction made me feel as if I am in control...but then my iron will melted, and now I feel very weak and so imperfect and human.
Maybe this strange madness is the new reality, maybe just a phase; regardless, the healing process takes time...and either way, I have chosen life.
Negative thoughts fill my mind constantly.
Last night I felt so weak and sick from fasting, I could hardly move. Once when I was driving, I felt as if I could've passed out due to hypoglycemia, which caused panic...though I managed not to react. Fasting is not good for my body, and I've caused real harm. During the fast I started to experience blurry vision, and for awhile I lost the sense of taste.
This morning I woke up in a sweat; my blood sugar level must still be adjusting after the fast. Rather than feeling refreshed, I felt ill...and ashamed, because I am to blame for my own poor health. Will I always feel so out of sorts?
Ever since the fast I can't sleep right. At night I keep waking up with a start, then I wander around and eat. The hunger is erratic and seems to be insatiable. Yet there is no pleasure in eating...just desperation and fear. No one would see a problem from the outside. Inside, though, there is damage...and I feel so off, and I can't think straight.
Somehow I've equated starvation with beauty and virtue. Now I am ashamed...a failed anorexic because my body is overwhelmed by fasting, yet I keep making the same sinful choices. Restriction made me feel as if I am in control...but then my iron will melted, and now I feel very weak and so imperfect and human.
Maybe this strange madness is the new reality, maybe just a phase; regardless, the healing process takes time...and either way, I have chosen life.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)