Health is a flourishing condition and soundness of life. Health is beautiful, because a healthy state is being as one should be...because God creates health, not disease. Disease and death are of the enemy, unhealthy and unnatural.
Yet I made the mistake of perceiving death and darkness as beautiful, a certain melancholic aesthetic that motivated the longing to be fragile; indeed, I fell for a lie.
Being too thin reflects illness, the shadow of death; after losing my "little brother," I wanted to wear the shadow of death like a garment in his honor. Yet that makes no sense at all! He is alive, more than ever before; I even sensed his vibrant soul visit me once.
God's creations have charming idiosyncrasies because His thoughts aren't like the thoughts of men. Men's creations tend to be cookie cutter, lifeless and soulless, all the same. God formed every person with care...and none of us look alike. Since I am a creation of God, reflecting the image of the shadow of death is not who I really am.
Gaining perspective
Now my perception is off, and my body hardly recognizes signals of hunger or fullness. After neglecting these signals over time, they've gone "numb." Hunger made me feel "high," and the restless, almost desperate sensation felt "spiritual."
At the moment, I am so thin that my ribs are tender and my body aches when I lean against a chair.
A body is what it is...not an object to be altered according to vain whims.
The body is sacred, fearfully and wonderfully made, and should be treated as such. A natural and healthy body is beautiful....May I care more about the body's function than form.
At the moment, I am so thin that my ribs are tender and my body aches when I lean against a chair.
A body is what it is...not an object to be altered according to vain whims.
The body is sacred, fearfully and wonderfully made, and should be treated as such. A natural and healthy body is beautiful....May I care more about the body's function than form.
This culture glamorizes death and disease, yet the master artists of olden times painted slender, yet healthy and genuinely beautiful "nymphs." Slender doesn't have to mean anorexic, underweight, and unhealthy. Beauty is not a size or number, and weight naturally fluctuates....Beauty is a timeless quality.
Fasting from fasting
For awhile now, I have been harming my body by slow starvation...though I didn't exactly intend to. The Yom Kippur fast made me realize this is a serious problem. Being underweight, the fast caused great pain and even became dangerous.
Though the damage isn't seen outside, there is damage inside my body. This is a shame; I have sinned by causing harm to my body, the temple of God. Forgive me, Lord...and I pray for restoration.
When I look in the mirror, I see someone ill...and if I appear so gaunt physically, there must be mental and spiritual problems also. Right now I am afraid, and I need healing....During this fast, I thought I would die because my body just couldn't handle the malnourishment any longer.
Now I am fasting from fasting; if asceticism tempts me to vanity and harms my body, then eating in a normal way is actually more holy.
Though the damage isn't seen outside, there is damage inside my body. This is a shame; I have sinned by causing harm to my body, the temple of God. Forgive me, Lord...and I pray for restoration.
When I look in the mirror, I see someone ill...and if I appear so gaunt physically, there must be mental and spiritual problems also. Right now I am afraid, and I need healing....During this fast, I thought I would die because my body just couldn't handle the malnourishment any longer.
Now I am fasting from fasting; if asceticism tempts me to vanity and harms my body, then eating in a normal way is actually more holy.
A gradual development
Is anorexia an illness or a sin?
Though I have a subclinical case, I most certainly have the symptoms, and I relate to other anorexics. This would suggest an illness, with common symptoms. Yet sin patterns also have common symptoms...for example, alcoholics end up similar to each other.
There is an element of choice in anorexia, even rebellion against better judgement.
Why didn't I stop restricting after experiencing frightening physical symptoms such as waking up in the middle of the night in a hungry panic? Fear of weight gain, body checking...the problems developed so gradually that I didn't realize what was happening. So many factors contributed; the development seems almost inevitable.
Though I have a subclinical case, I most certainly have the symptoms, and I relate to other anorexics. This would suggest an illness, with common symptoms. Yet sin patterns also have common symptoms...for example, alcoholics end up similar to each other.
There is an element of choice in anorexia, even rebellion against better judgement.
Why didn't I stop restricting after experiencing frightening physical symptoms such as waking up in the middle of the night in a hungry panic? Fear of weight gain, body checking...the problems developed so gradually that I didn't realize what was happening. So many factors contributed; the development seems almost inevitable.
Decision
Well, I have a full blown eating disorder.
At least I'm able to admit that now.
The subtype is restrictive...so, anorexia, not bulimia or binge eating.
Without completely realizing, I've been restricting meals quite severely for over a year.
What happened?
The perfect storm brewed...the correct -- or rather, incorrect -- mix of genetics and generational curses, as both grandmothers struggled with eating disorders...and personality traits such as perfectionism, determination, and attention to detail.
The false belief that I lack "grit" led to this latest relapse -- but if I have enough perseverance to essentially starve for a year in pursuit of a goal, I don't really have a discipline problem; I may actually have more "grit" than good sense, or maybe I direct "grit" toward destructive goals....
There is also the influence of other anorexics I relate to, and grad school -- which often triggers eating disorders, apparently -- and the extreme stress of the past few years.
Also, I perceived fasting as a spiritual pursuit...the only way to achieve holiness, be of use in God's kingdom, and be a complete Christian. How could I not develop anorexia? The illness holds power over me, yet God is able to heal...and, like any illness, I can choose to nourish my body toward recovery.
That is the decision I face now.
Anorexia is stubborn; either I kill the illness, or the illness kills me.
Well, I choose recovery and life.
At least I'm able to admit that now.
The subtype is restrictive...so, anorexia, not bulimia or binge eating.
Without completely realizing, I've been restricting meals quite severely for over a year.
What happened?
* * *
The perfect storm brewed...the correct -- or rather, incorrect -- mix of genetics and generational curses, as both grandmothers struggled with eating disorders...and personality traits such as perfectionism, determination, and attention to detail.
The false belief that I lack "grit" led to this latest relapse -- but if I have enough perseverance to essentially starve for a year in pursuit of a goal, I don't really have a discipline problem; I may actually have more "grit" than good sense, or maybe I direct "grit" toward destructive goals....
There is also the influence of other anorexics I relate to, and grad school -- which often triggers eating disorders, apparently -- and the extreme stress of the past few years.
Also, I perceived fasting as a spiritual pursuit...the only way to achieve holiness, be of use in God's kingdom, and be a complete Christian. How could I not develop anorexia? The illness holds power over me, yet God is able to heal...and, like any illness, I can choose to nourish my body toward recovery.
That is the decision I face now.
Anorexia is stubborn; either I kill the illness, or the illness kills me.
Well, I choose recovery and life.
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