Ballerinas and anorexia

The ballerina is often an anorexic trigger symbol...a symbol of perfection achieved by rigid discipline and even masochism, as if beauty may only be found in pain and suffering.

Modern Balanchine ballerinas must conform their bodies to an unnatural standard.

Yet the ballerinas of the past...such as the ones painted by Degas...had more natural, romantic looking figures.

Anorexia: a self-inflicted illness

There are people who are afflicted with medical problems unfairly; perhaps they were born with a condition. Then there are those who make poor choices that lead to medical problems, even when blessed with good health. Forgive me, Lord, for ending up with these medical problems as a natural consequence of my sin.

Though I pray for health, I know I don't deserve Your favor...especially because there are true victims who need healing. Even so, they aren't always healed, though they did nothing to deserve the condition that they have. They deserve healing, and I do not.

If I end up with a permanent medical problem, or even if I reduce my own lifespan, I must accept the consequences of my sinful actions. Still, I selfishly pray for complete healing, as well as the healing of others who are true victims of illness. After all, You are a God of healing; I'm not sure what I've done to my body, and I am afraid. Yet I kneel before You in repentance and pray for the restoration of my health.

If there is any good to come of this...I've become a gourmet cook of sorts, a surprising result of anorexia.

Grad school as a trigger for anorexia

In grad school, my physical and mental health started to deteriorate. Grad school is an abusive environment...being confined to a chair, reading and writing such difficult and irrelevant material, and being undermined by narcissistic professors despite hours of hard work. As I became enslaved to that sick, Satanic system, I became depressed and warped in my thinking...and without realizing, I began to commit slow suicide through starvation.

Depression in grad school...and slowly losing my mind as busywork took every moment of my time...is by no means a unique experience, and is a form of mind control. Grad school seems to be designed to gradually crush one's soul, intellect, and creativity until the person is conformed to the corporate system that Satan pulls the strings of. After graduation, the person's inherent diligence and talent are further exploited, spent contributing toward the system.

Life in such a society is a daily spiritual battle, a struggle against losing one's soul and allowing oneself to be changed and rearranged by the vampiric Babylon system.

Dreaming again

Last night I awoke with a rapid heart rate, maybe due to eating a large amount of sodium. Every time I restrict, I end up with frightening consequences. May that be the last time I cause such a reaction.

Eating naturally feels good. Having insufficient nourishment is stressful. Eating enough gives me a sense of health, contentment, and joy...different from the false and frantic high of fasting.

Last night I even dreamed. For awhile I haven't dreamed, and haven't woken up with that refreshed feeling. Maybe my brain, deprived of nutrients, could no longer produce dreams.