Deep down, I reject myself because I fall so short...and I feel as if I am never good enough...and this is painful. Denying and afflicting myself, harming myself, and punishing myself are reactions I've had to stress for a long time, ever since childhood, though I don't know why. Fasting could be another form of that tendency.
Negative thoughts fill my mind constantly.
Last night I felt so weak and sick from fasting, I could hardly move. Once when I was driving, I felt as if I could've passed out due to hypoglycemia, which caused panic...though I managed not to react. Fasting is not good for my body, and I've caused real harm. During the fast I started to experience blurry vision, and for awhile I lost the sense of taste.
This morning I woke up in a sweat; my blood sugar level must still be adjusting after the fast. Rather than feeling refreshed, I felt ill...and ashamed, because I am to blame for my own poor health. Will I always feel so out of sorts?
Ever since the fast I can't sleep right. At night I keep waking up with a start, then I wander around and eat. The hunger is erratic and seems to be insatiable. Yet there is no pleasure in eating...just desperation and fear. No one would see a problem from the outside. Inside, though, there is damage...and I feel so off, and I can't think straight.
Somehow I've equated starvation with beauty and virtue. Now I am ashamed...a failed anorexic because my body is overwhelmed by fasting, yet I keep making the same sinful choices. Restriction made me feel as if I am in control...but then my iron will melted, and now I feel very weak and so imperfect and human.
Maybe this strange madness is the new reality, maybe just a phase; regardless, the healing process takes time...and either way, I have chosen life.
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