The battle still wages in my mind. Though I don't have an extreme eating disorder like the skeletal stereotype portrayed on television, the thought patterns are similar, even if I don't look like I'll drop dead any moment. Apparently, both of my grandmothers and my uncle struggled with eating disorders -- anorexia on my mom's side and bulimia on my dad's side.
Could there be a genetic component? Anorexia is the last disorder I'd ever imagine having, and I actually used to look down upon people with the disorder as vain and stupid. That contributed to the deep sense of shame I felt about my thoughts and behavior.
When will the recovery time be over? In recovery, I feel out of control as my weight fluctuates, my blood sugar leaps and plummets, and a voracious appetite makes me want to eat all the food in sight. Strangely, at the time of this writing, the entire world is wondering when we shall recover from this mass psyop and have a sense of control over our own lives again.
For an entire year I haven't eaten enough, so I suppose my body is in repair. God has created the body with such wonderful healing capability. He is really the One in control, after all....
After I eat a large meal, I have edema around my stomach and thighs. The pain isn't as bad now as after the first day of refeeding, when my body felt so sore I didn't want to move...though I didn't have a choice, since I was literally moving that weekend. Now the swelling has reduced, and the blood sugar swings are less dramatic. Every night I've been waking up to eat...with my dog, who looks forward to those excursions now...and I still experience panic after a few hours of not eating. The severity is lessening, though, and at least my experience with anorexia gives me good practice in case of a real famine.
The other day, after moving the last heavy object out of the old apartment, I almost fainted and could not walk for awhile. Hopefully, soon all of the scary symptoms will subside...and I hope I become healthy again, as if I never had anorexia. Until then, I dislike being in limbo...the recovery process...because I want a solution now, direct answers, a system to follow. All I know is I can't return to the way I lived before...and in some strange sense, I think recovering from anorexia is similar to the world recovering from this latest psyop.
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