Decision

Well, I have a full blown eating disorder.

At least I'm able to admit that now.

The subtype is restrictive...so, anorexia, not bulimia or binge eating.

Without completely realizing, I've been restricting meals quite severely for over a year.

What happened?

* * *

The perfect storm brewed...the correct -- or rather, incorrect -- mix of genetics and generational curses, as both grandmothers struggled with eating disorders...and personality traits such as perfectionism, determination, and attention to detail.

The false belief that I lack "grit" led to this latest relapse -- but if I have enough perseverance to essentially starve for a year in pursuit of a goal, I don't really have a discipline problem; I may actually have more "grit" than good sense, or maybe I direct "grit" toward destructive goals....

There is also the influence of other anorexics I relate to, and grad school -- which often triggers eating disorders, apparently -- and the extreme stress of the past few years.

Also, I perceived fasting as a spiritual pursuit...the only way to achieve holiness, be of use in God's kingdom, and be a complete Christian. How could I not develop anorexia? The illness holds power over me, yet God is able to heal...and, like any illness, I can choose to nourish my body toward recovery.

That is the decision I face now.

Anorexia is stubborn; either I kill the illness, or the illness kills me.

Well, I choose recovery and life.