Though I haven't been anorexic for more than a year, I still keep this blog to post my old journal entries from the time of my recovery...as a record that might be helpful to other recovering anorexics, and as a testimony of God's power to heal emotional strongholds such as eating disorders.
In this old entry I found, I see that though I still needed time to recover physically, I was much better off mentally...and though anorexia certainly has a physical component, the stronghold is primarily in the mind. Once the mind heals, the body will follow. An eating disorder begins and ends with a choice.
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Eating a normal amount still feels like a huge feast. There's still painful edema after I eat, and I still wake up at night to eat more. Obviously I'm not completely healed, since I'm so tired all the time and eating shouldn't cause all of these strange reactions. When that no longer happens, I'll know I am recovered.
As a child I went through puberty early, and I remember "feeling fat" in the thighs, which never changed as I grew older, though no one commented about my thighs being fat...because they must not appear that way to others. How different do we appear through another person's eyes? What flaws and beautiful features do we overlook in ourselves that appear so obvious to others?
As I've discovered the hard way, being underweight causes many scary health problems that are worse than health problems caused by being overweight. Now I know there's really no good reason to envy the underweight. To Hell with society's ideals -- the solution is to be safely on the healthy side of the BMI.
So far I've been going forward with recovery, without restriction, even if that means I have to be overweight for the rest of my life...and now that I'm aware of the damage I've caused my body, I have a responsibility to recover.
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